Phil Robertson and Why Sin Is Illogical

“When you got what you wanted, were you happy? Do you remember when you were a child, how ardently you looked forward to Christmas? How happy you thought you would be, with your fill of cakes, your hands glutted with toys, and your eyes dancing with the lights on the tree! Christmas came, and after you had eaten your fill, blown out the last Christmas candle, and played till your toys no longer amused, you climbed into your bed and said, in your own little heart of hearts, that somehow or other it did not quite come up to your expectations. And have you not lived that experience over a thousand times since?" - Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen (You)

Just a note: I am in no way siding with either Mr. Robertson or A&E on their decision to suspend him from their show based on his comments. To be honest, I don't think I could possibly care any less about a show that involves duck hunting and camo. I'm a Chicago suburbanite vegan with a propensity to shun any article of clothing that is green because she feels it makes her skin look sallow.

 

So unless you you haven't left your house or been on the internet in the past few days, Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson was interviewed in GQ and talked particularly about his thoughts on same sex attraction (it's a bit graphic, so I apologize):

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

And he's right. Sin's not logical. An attraction to another person isn't always logical. How often do we see a woman stay with a man who is abusing her? How often do we see a man stay with a woman who he knows doesn't love him, but is using him for his money? Why did I stay so long with a guy who clearly didn't love me, who I knew I would never end up with, and who I knew would never change?

Because attraction isn't logical. It just isn't. Attraction is a bunch of feelings you can't control. Your actions are what define you, not your attractions.

So let's get deeper into that with sin. When I was originally thinking about this, I thought that we were attracted to sin. That doesn't make sense though. We are all made in the likeness and image of our Heavenly Father who is love and goodness. Why would we, creations of goodness, be attracted to sin? Then it hit me. It's not an attraction to sin. It's an attraction to what we think sin will bring us. We are attracted to the good of this world, but sin clouds our thinking on how to GET that good.

Think about it. Think about every single sin and the reason behind it. Let me tackle a few:

Sins: Homosexual behavior and premarital sex (you bet I just put them together)

Reason people engage in it: They either want love and connection with another human being (regardless of which gender). They think that sex can lock someone down to be theirs forever. They don't want to be alone. They want pleasure. 

What can truly give that: A relationship with God. When you have a strong relationship with God, you don't need anyone else to be that be-all in your life. You don't need to give away your body for love. You don't need to have that pleasure to satisfy you. 

Sin: Lying and cheating

Reason people engage in it: Lying gets you things if you do it correctly. It can get you more money. It can make you look better. It can make others who have harmed you jealous of you. Lying can get you acceptance by others.

What can truly give that: God may not give you all you want, but He gives you all you need and He gives you a great appreciation for it. God gives you the peace of knowing it doesn't matter what your job is, how many 0s are on your paycheck, how you look, or what others think of you. That freedom is so much better than anything lying could have given you.

Sin: Gossiping

Reason people engage in it: For me, it is a matter of fitting in. Everyone seems to know everything about everyone else's lives and to fit in, you should too. Gossiping also makes you feel better by putting others down (it's really a catty version of bullying). "Well I may not have gotten the role I wanted, but she only did because she has been sucking up to the director and flirting with the manager for months now."

What can truly give that: A better and more godly group of friends and the confidence of knowing you are an amazing child of God and He has AMAZING plans for you whether or not they fit yours.

I am glad I read this article because it really made me think about sin in a new way. Now this was, of course, me just looking at some sins on the surface level, but it really does make sense. That's what makes sin so illogical. Why sin when choosing to NOT sin gets you either exactly what you wanted (the good) or MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER?! Because we live in a world that tells us these things will get us that good. This world tells us that you will be so happy having sex before you're married. You will totally get that job, but you're going to need to cheat or lie or sleep your way up the ladder to get it. You will have a great group of friends, but you need to go out and get smashed with them each weekend to be a part of the group and if you talk about everyone else's mistakes (which are all so HAHAHAHAHA HILARIOUS BECAUSE SHE SLEPT WITH HIM AND PEED THE BED AND HAD TO WALK OF SHAME HOME WITHOUT HER UNDERWEAR OMG SOOOOO FUNNY), even better.

Those are all lies. The promises that are made to us by the world and the Evil One are empty. Sex won't make him love you. Lying won't make you feel good. Gossiping won't make the others girls want you to be their friend. God is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the way to goodness. He is the truth about getting there. He is the life that made it all possible. The goodness and joy we all want is that which is found only in the heart of God and to get to His heart, we must avoid sin and live out our lives in His way.

It's pretty illogical to find any other way to it.

The Difference Between Sisters IN Christ and Sisters THROUGH Christ

 "Do not be led astray: Bad company corrupts good morals.”
- 1 Corinthians 15:33

So recently I have really started coming back to Christ and the Church which is, let's be honest, far later than it should have been. I hadn't been to my Newman Center all semester and I gave a whole bunch of excuses which were all mostly just that; excuses. Nearing the end of the semester, I took a step back and looked at the relationships I held above God. I looked at the people who I was willing to do anything for. It broke my heart when I realized they wouldn't do the same thing for me and they weren't the friends I needed. These girls didn't encourage me to be a woman of God. They encouraged a lifestyle that I wasn't proud to be a part of. I started to be more like these women and it finally came to a point where I hated myself and who I let myself become.

It was then that I decided I needed to change my friend group and the people I associated with. I needed to stop focusing on the men in my life and start focusing on the woman I was and the woman I wanted to be first. If I wanted a godly man, I need to become the kind of woman he wants. You are who you hang out with, so I realized changes needed to be made and I needed more godly women in my life. 

I encourage all my sisters to look at their friendships and reevaluate who they are letting be their closest gal pals. There is a big difference in which type of friend each girl or woman can be to you.

Sisters through Christ are your sisters because they share God as their father.
Sisters in Christ are your sisters because they share your love of the Lord and strive to live His commandments.
My non-religious friends didn't really get the whole purity thing. They don't understands virtuous living. They didn't encourage me to read the bible, but instead encouraged alcohol and parties and "$%@# HIM" screams as we head into a party filled with drunken guys and girls giving them what they wanted. My true sisters (in Christ obvi) wouldn't do that. They know struggles of followers of Christ and they understand the type of person I am trying to be. They understand my aspirations to be more Mary and less Miley (if ya get my drift). They have those same aspirations and encourage the best for me and my soul.

Sisters through Christ gossip and put-downs.
Sisters in Christ speak kindness and truth and love.
Gossiping about others was a pastime and I relished in it. The things I have said about women disgusts me to think about and I am embarrassed and horrified for what I said. The things that others and friends said about me to my face (and behind) were equally as terrible. My godly sisters have never made me feel even a quarter as terrible which all comes down to the next difference...

Sisters through Christ hold grudges and get catty.
Sisters in Christ practice forgiveness and support.
I can't even explain the feeling I had when I walked into the Newman Center after months of being away and barely knowing anyone and I started talking with three girls easily. A friend walked up and hugged and everyone was just so excited I was there. It didn't matter that I had been gone. It didn't matter that I didn't go on the retreat. It didn't matter that I had been a pretty awful member of the Newman community. None of that mattered. I was back (prodigal daughter style y'all) and forgiven without even asking. As I said my goodbyes, I was laughing along with girls about being new best friends and I meant it. Godly friends imitate the forgiveness and mercy of the Lord. I know even those who don't know me that well would be there for me in a heartbeat when there are girls I am with regularly who I couldn't say that for. They would support me in anything that is good for me. There are some other friends I have who I still feel like I am making up to for mistakes made two years ago who I know I will never be able to say that for.

Sisters through Christ don't have true joy.
Sisters in Christ are the happiest people.
I'm sorry, but if you don't know God, you don't know true joy. You just don't. Just knowing Him isn't enough either. You have to love Him and know He has things totally taken care of and covered. True joy is found in those who have Him in their hearts. It's knowing that this isn't our home. It's knowing that God loved you so much and thinks you are so amazing and beautiful and worthy that He forgives your sins. It's knowing that freedom is found in Him. Joy is peace of the heart. Walking into Newman just OOZES in that joy. The people who don't have them don't know that joy and it makes me sad seeing it. When my eyes aren't fixed on the cross, I feel that empty happiness.

Sisters through Christ are only there for you when others are watching or when it's easy.
Sisters in Christ are praying for you constantly.
My transplant made it abundantly clear which people I should make room for in my life. When talking to the greatest Sister Clara at Newman, I started crying about girls I put on such a pedastal in my life who couldn't even send a Facebook message to me in the hospital. She took my hand and said, "you know, we were here the whole time praying so hard for you." It really hit me. THESE were my girls. The ones who entrusted my life to God and counted on Him. That's so amazing. There is nothing I wanted more in the hospital than that. Girls I barely knew were praying for me when girls I had gotten closer with couldn't find the time to send me a quick "Hope you're doing all right!" They didn't need someone to see they were reaching out. They weren't there for me because I lived close by. They were there for me from 140 miles away and when others weren't watching. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Sisters through Christ don't know the saints.
Sisters in Christ (ok, this is probably only the Catholic ones) will COMPLETELY GO LIKE ONE DIRECTION FANGIRL CRAZY OVER MAMA MARY AND HOW AWESOME SHE IS AND BLESSED JPII IS BECOMING A SAINT AND OMG DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON MY GIRL FRIEND CHIARA.
I mean...it's just nice to have friends who get how AMAZING it is you get to CONSECRATE JPII in the middle of CORNFIELD, ILLINOIS and this is like ONE BIG FREAKING DEAL HOLY FUDGE.


So all in all, pick your friends wisely. It's something I am definitely starting to work on over break. I know we are all prone to mistakes and I am the first to admit I have been an ungodly sister in all the above ways listed, but looking at those who have been pretty awful friends to me has made me think about all the ways I have been a bad friend too. It's something I hope to change. Until then, I have started to find my new group of sisters and let me tell you, they are all REALLY obsessed with Blessed Chiara.

And to those girls who I talked to at Newman last week, know that by just being yourselves, you have really helped me get ridiculously excited for next semester. God was shining through all of you just when I needed to see Him.

"A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter, she who finds one finds treasure." - Sirach 6:14

Better

"You'll never change you life until you change your choices"

I realize I have been absent for quite a long time.

I have no excuse. The dating fast has ended. I have failed miserably as I am currently dating my ex.

I have stumbled too many times to count. I have fallen and struggled to get up.

I have watched as who I was changed into who I am now sitting at this computer.

It's taken me awhile to get to this point, but I don't like her. This new me.

She was supposed to be new and improved by now. She was supposed to have everything figured out. She was supposed to have the greatest relationship with God possible. She was supposed to have things under control. She was supposed to know she is.

That's not me.

But I am figuring it out.

College is a great time, but it's also the time for you to make a big decision not necessarily who you are, but who you want to be. That is where my greatest struggled lies. Outside of the confines of my comfy home with my comfy youth group and my comfy support system of great sisters of Christ and my comfy free time to read the Bible or BadCatholic or go to adoration, it isn't comfy being a Catholic in college. It's just not. It is really rough. Life slaps you in the face. A lot.

Upon returning to school, I stumbled quickly. I was used to everyone in the hospital and at home relying on me to have my faith and being encouraged by my faith. At school, I don't have that comfort anymore. I can't talk about my opposition to gay marriage or abortion openly. I can't easily grab someone to have a bible reading party on a Saturday night. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but that kind of stuff just isn't their cup of tea.

But I lost a lot of my faith. At first, I missed one mass. One mass became two, then three. Confession became less frequent, those the sins seemed worse. I fell again and again and again until finally I gave up on getting back up again. It was the lowest I think I have ever been. I'm still trying to climb up and out of the darkness. But I see the light and that's the first time I can say that in a long time.

I was reading an article about exercising and, oddly enough, that's the click I needed. I thought about becoming a mom and the responsibility I would have with my kids. Now, I have definitely thought about parenting my kids and how I would do it. But I never really gave a thought to the silent parenting I would be doing. Who a parent is, how he/she acts, and the choices he/she makes influences kids more than encouraging music from a young age. This article talked about how exercising should be viewed as a way to meet people and to be able to do things. I want to be fit so I can run around and do things with my children.

That same desire quickly transferred to my faith.

I thought about my kids and who I would want them to one day be. What I wanted them to believe. The stories of their mom they were going to hear. Do they pray every night? Morning? Every meal? Do they know how to pray a rosary? Do they come to adoration with me? Is bringing them to mass and CCD like pulling teeth? Do they have a faith and hope in God that will strengthen them in all situations? If something happened to me, would they know I am going to be ok? Would my kids ever fear for my soul in such a situation? Would I fear for THEIR souls if they were in such a situation?

And the answer was very clear. The person I want to mother my children is not the young woman I am right now. I can do and be better. God knows who I am and I am a daughter of Christ, beautifully and fearfully and wonderfully made. He knows my heart. He knows my future. Who I am now must be let go. I must decrease and He must increase. I need to let Him take over again.

I read a quote (and I have been trying to find it and simply can't...grrrr) that spoke tons to me. It was basically saying you shouldn't worry about being anyone else, but only being better than the person you were yesterday. I keep writing "Better" on my hand to remind to be a better version of yesterday's Colleen. Better to others. Better to myself. Better to God. Just better. Above all, I need to remember to love everything and everyone in my life better and to give it better love. It's my new mantra and I know I am finally back on the path I need to be on. I am on my way.

God knows my better self. He knows. I want to know her too.

Prayers are appreciated and goodness knows how needed they are. Thanks loves.

Day One Hundred Eleven: Nothing's Bigger Than Love

Ok so I admit that I really can't stand the Youtube videos with the lyrics and the weird graphics and fonts (I mean really just look at that), but I love this song and it's been stuck in my head all day because of things surrounding love that have been roaming through my brain.

It's called "Nothing's Bigger Than Love" by My Favorite Highway (they split up and, since they were basically my favorite band, consequently broke my angsty 17-year-old heart but anyway...)

So anyway. Love. What is it? How do you know you're in love? What do people mean when they say God is love? How is real love different from the love that is portrayed in books and on movie screens?

I'm going to mega-trite here and pull a definition straight out of the Word of God. If you've never heard this, I have no idea where you've been since the Catholic Church put the Bible together:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated,

it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,

it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.

So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13

Today, I was sulking. I admit it. I was resembling that irritating angsty "oh em gee why is it always mehhhh?" 17-year-old I used to be, not the usually bubbly and happy person I am now.

Before I continue, I would like to explain what I do everyday when I nanny. I come in, say goodbye to their mom, open my laptop, say hi to the boys when they wake up, sit on my computer while they watch TV, make lunch (I also admit to completely forgetting about this part of a person's day on Monday and didn't even realize I hadn't made them lunch upon opening up the garbage can to find 7 ice cream sandwich wrappers...oops), return to my computer while they swim or something until their mom comes home. I mean yes I play basketball and will throw them the ball in the pool everyday, but it's not much. I'm not really caring for them. I'm just there to make sure they don't burn down the house, jump out of a window trying to make it into a pool, and, of course, to make sure they are fed so they don't collectively end up eating 7 ice cream sandwiches.

So today, the 10-year-old (we'll call him B) wanted to swim. I was super smart and decided to bring my suit today. Not to swim of course, but to tan while I sat outside watching them swim. His younger brother was at a friend's house and the eldest was playing video games. So I went outside, in my irritated why-are-you-making-me-get-off-the-couch-and-away-from-my-awful-reading-choices (I'm talking about you TFM and TSM articles) state, and grudgingly took my place at the top of the stairs to start tossing him the ball. Finally, at one point, I went to check my phone and it hit me like a ton of bricks: this is not how God wants me to be living. This silly misery. This stupid attitude. This person who was not me.

I was made to love. I needed to return to loving others around me. So I ran into the house, grabbed a towel, and jumped in with him. We ended up having a GREAT time. I had spent the last month complaining about these kids and how horrible I thought they were, but we ended up swimming for a solid two hours and the time flew by. I found joy again. The click was there. God was calling me to love and I was finally figuring it out. I ran home with a smile on my face and gave my mom a hug immediately upon meeting her at the door. I was so blessed and I have been so selfish lately. I have been completely neglecting everyone else in my own self pity. I haven't been loving them. At least not to the extent that God wants from me.

In John Paul II's (PAUSE JUST A SECOND HE IS GOING TO BE A SAINT OH MY GOODNESS AHHHHHHHHHHHHH) Love and Responsibility, he talks about what love is. Love is wanting the good for someone. If I love you, I want what is best for you. I will do what I can to make sure you get the best. That's love.

I need to start showing that love more to everyone. I need to pray for more people. The good and the best is Heaven with God. I love my family and so I want them in Heaven with me so I will try to be a good example and to explain the Word of God. I will pray for them. I will bring them to mass. I can do this with friends too. On Sunday, the priest revealed something interesting. "Did you know that 50% of the people that you ask to attend mass with you will say yes? So what's stopping you from asking?" Well. What is stopping me from asking? I am to love the common man and that love needs to include God who is love Himself.

When it comes to romantic love between a man and a woman, love is good and pure. Have you ever watched a movie and two people supposedly fall in love and you're just sitting there analyzing everything you just saw and wondering what, just WHAT, made them fall in love with each other? Like they were just making out all the time and then, of course, the premarital sex WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS THE ONLY WAY APPARENTLY TO SHOW YOU LOVE A PERSON (am I heavy enough on the sarcasm?) and then the movie ends and you're just like, "I doubt they ever get married. My bet is on it ending in a few months."

That's lust. That's not love. Love isn't always going to be this crazy passionate love like it seems in movies. The honeymoon period will end. Love is still loving and caring for that person when the relationship isn't as new and shiny as it used to be anymore. Love is sticking by someone's side when they are at his/her worst. Love is doing your absolute hardest to make sure you are both standing in front of God in His Heavenly Kingdom one day. Love is putting your pleasures and desires to the side in favor of more godly pleasures. Love is choosing to care for the soul of your loved one instead of your instant gratification.

One day, I will find a guy who will love me like that and I will love him right back. For now, I need to fully love those who are already in my life. This new beginning might end up being as simple as giving the three boys some fruit and a sandwich tomorrow for lunch and jumping into the pool alongside them. They are my brothers through Christ. Christ is in them. I want the good for them. It's about time I show it.

Day One Hundred and Ten: Trust in the Lord

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—

plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope." 

-- Jeremiah 29:11

Today was just one of those days. One of those days where it seems like everything  just keeps finding a way to go wrong.

I found myself hurting, again, over a guy and I cried and couldn't seem to stop. Fear of the future and the unknown just kept getting to me. On top of that, my best friend, very truthfully, pointed out how I had always seemed to be talking about guys and not paying attention to her or her problems.

Bad days are when someone yells at you. Real rough days are when you know they're right and it is all your fault.

My friend got me to thinking about how I have been doing on my dating fast. It seems that I have lost sight of the whole reason behind it. I started this fast so I would bring all of my attention to Him and away from guys. Where has that motivation and focus gone? Where have my thoughts been? Why am I still feeling like a spiritual midget compared to where I used to be?

It all really comes down to trust.

I wish I could wholeheartedly say that I trust God completely and fully, but I know that's not the case. If I were to describe how I feel about my future in one word, the word would be terrified. Absolutely terrified.

Terrified of being alone. Terrified of not making it into my dream law school. Terrified of another transplant and not having my parents' health insurance to cover me. Terrified of losing friends. Terrified of living on my own independently. Terrified of so many things.

Just really terrified.

But that's not at all how it should be. If I have complete trust in the Lord, I should have no worries. I should not feel this pit of discomfort and sadness deep in my heart. But I don't have that complete trust and it's hurting me.

It's funny that I don't, actually. When I was hospitalized and waiting for a new heart, I wasn't worried. I was actually outright joyful. Haha. It is almost INCONCEIVABLE then, that I am so distrusting of the Lord now. Now I know I have been called to serve the Lord through work with victims of rape and sexual assault. I know that. I have been called to it. I knew that I was going to be fine because I knew God still wasn't done with me yet. I knew that God was using me in some way while I was in the hospital to bring others to Him.

But now? It's harder to see what God is leading me to do or who He wants me to touch (if anyone). In the hospital, everything was comfy. I had my boyfriend who was just so gosh darn perfect and we were getting married so I didn't have to worry about anything. I would be taking care of schooling and believed I could make it into any school I wanted. God had a great awesome plan for me and I was so excited for it.

It isn't so comfy anymore. The future is a complete unknown. But that's how it is supposed to be. That's how we learn to put our complete trust in God. The more we plan for our future, the harder it is to hear God telling you how to actually prepare for your future or that He has it under control. I had everything planned. Get married straight out of college, enjoy a summer, head to law school, grab a JD and another Master's degree or PhD (if I make it into Stanford [HAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH OK] a PhD in Sociology, if Loyola, a Master's in Social Work), then practice law until I get pregnant, pop out some kids and adopt 10 more, homeschool until high school, then be a social worker in the mean time to make some extra cash for their college funds. In between, set up a shelter for sex trafficking victims, change legislation in the country on prostitution, and then head off into the sunset with my husband as we travel the world once all our kids are away at school.

That's my plan. God's plan is better. I don't know what it is, but I promise it's better. And if I want His plan, I need to start following Him and completely trusting in Him and His plan.

It is a really difficult thing to do and I'm not the only one that struggles with it. But that's why I started this fast. To focus on God and His plan for me. It's about time I really focused on Him. I need to give Him my all and give Him my trust. When I finally do, I will be able to completely give God my entire life. It will be all His.

I just have to trust Him with it.

This blog is now on Facebook!

Hey all!

Since I sporadically post now since I just don't have the time to do it daily, I felt like an easier way of telling people that I had just posted a new blog post would be to create a Facebook page. I'll update it every time I post and I'll be able to share some really neat articles and things that I've read.

It can easily be found at www.facebook.com/DatingJesusChrist. Feel free to share with your friends.

God bless you all!

In Christ's Love,
Colleen

Day One Hundred and Four: Where Will Your Husband be on Sunday Mornings?

 

A few months back when I was discussing my dating fast and what had happened in my past relationship with Anakin (remember him?) we both came to the conclusion that you can't be in a relationship with someone and bear that whole weight of needing to bring that person to God. You both must already know Him. Things are so much better when you both are already looking towards God.

In my relationship, there were days when it felt like I was pulling teeth to get us to pray together or to stay pure. Near the end of our relationship, we both felt the strain of not being in the same place with God. He didn't find the beauty or necessity in chastity like I did. He didn't want to wait anymore. For me, saving myself for marriage has always been so important to me. It was something we both knew I would absolutely never give in to.

So it ended. And very quickly after, his actions with other girls showed me he had been the wrong choice for a long time. The guy who I had started our relationship, who enjoyed sitting next to me in mass, praying with me, or reading bible verses was gone. The guy who thought that my purity was astonishingly beautiful to find in a person later became the guy who forever leave his dark mark on it. I mean until confession when I was wiped clean, but there is still healing going on from it. Anyway, when that guy emerged, I should have bolted. But the reason I held onto him for so long was because when I looked at him, I still saw my innocent, trying-to-be-more-godly man.

I really think about this when I go to mass. I see so many moms with their kids. I see so many single women with rings on their left ring fingers. And that is so sad to me.

I had a priest who gave a talk on his vocation one year and he actually was engaged to a woman before he discerned the priesthood. Something he said really stuck out to me and I've held onto it in the years since. "One of the most beautiful and wonderful feelings in the world is sitting next to the woman you love worshipping God in Holy mass."

Dang.

With my ex, it was like that. I was always so excited. We were together in front of God. It was wonderful while it lasted. But as wonderful as that was, I know God has someone out there who will really appreciate the mass. Someone who knows what is going on. Someone who is fully aware that Jesus is RIGHT THERE AND YOU GET TO RECEIVE HIM I MEAN WHAT OH MY GOODNESS- sorry. Got a little carried away. HE IS JUST SO AWESOME.

Anyway...

To have someone next to you who understands and who is constantly striving to love God more is amazing. When you find someone like that, you know they are struggling with sin just like you. They are trying to live a good Christian life just like you. They are going to lead you in a Christian marriage and will eventually lead your family. Before marriage, he will want to stay pure. He will be the one suggested perpetual adoration when you're wondering what to do on a Saturday night. He'll be the one to start to lead a prayer before a meal at restaurants and at home. 

And one day, when you have kids or if your kids are all older and they are no longer in your home, you won't be standing there without your husband. You won't have to wrangle the kids into the car by yourself on a Sunday morning. You won't hear the whines of "well Daddy doesn't have to go!"

Best of all, if you both try your absolute hardest together to get the other to Heaven and to lead your children to have very good Catholic lives, you'll meet in Heaven. When one passes, the pain will be small because you know you'll see each other again one day. You won't be worried and terrified for the soul of your loved one. That could possibly be the most painful moment anyone might ever experience.

So find a godly man. One who will go to mass with you. One who will do his absolute best to get you into Heaven. Someone who will sacrifice his urges and desires for the betterment of your soul and his. Find this man. Date this man. Marry this man. And don't let anyone else trick you into thinking he could become this man. If he could, he already would be without your help.

Day Ninety-Nine: Modern Day Model

"She isn’t supposed to be an example. Her friends don’t need an example, they need a friend. A real one. An honest one. A touchable one. They need a friend who doesn’t think she’s better than everyone, but one who knows she isn’t. They need a friend who knows she needs Jesus.

And when she hears adults tell her to be an example, she thinks that means she can never mess up, can never have problems, can never just be a teenager with struggles like everyone else.

She might then mature into a woman who believes being a Christian means having it all together, saying all the “right” things, staying a few steps above everyone else."

- "One thing your daughter doesn't need you to say"

So lately, I've been getting a lot of truly undeserved compliments. And it's all my fault.

Since I can remember, I have been utterly obsessed with being perfect and have struggled under the weight of not cutting it in comparison to everyone else.

I was never pretty enough...

religious enough...

smart enough...

healthy enough...

Nothing I did was ever enough.

Stress built up higher and higher as I sunk lower and lower from my ridiculous expectations and impossible goals. Eventually, my Junior year of high school, I hit an all time low. I was so stressed out, I was literally getting sick. I started missing class and eventually it was bad enough where the social worker, my guidance counselor, the school nurse, selected teachers, and my mom had to hold an intervention at school for me. They all sat me down and told me what I was doing to myself was crazy. I focused too much on my future. There was one point during the intervention where I FLIPPED OUT when someone suggested I skip an assignment or two in order to catch up on all my make-up work.

In my head, those assignments would break me if they weren't completed. If I didn't finish that assignment, I'd fail the class (no I wouldn't). If I failed the class, I would get a horrid GPA (no I wouldn't). If I got a horrid GPA, no good school would ever accept me. With a bad school transcript, I would never get a good job. No good job meant not making enough for health insurance. No health insurance meant I was dead. So in conclusion, I couldn't just skip an assignment or two because I would die because of it.

All the stress that built up because of it took a toll on me. My mind has forever been programmed to be absolutely "perfect" in everything that I do. When I fail, I don't let others see that failure. If I'm not going to be perfect, I'm at least going to look like I am.

That has been my mindset for the longest time and, I admit, still is in a few aspects. That same mindset has manifest itself in my religious life. In youth group, I was older than most of the other girls. I was interested by everything in the Catholic faith so I could answer questions. I was obsessed with the idea of purity, not just because I was called to be chaste by God, but because I saw the true and beautiful romance and love in it.

I talked with others about it. I had chats with girls about it. I explained to other college women in my dorm why I refused to allow my roommate's boyfriend sleep in our room. I made public vows to never sleep with a guy (literally sleep [I hate how society made that term equivalent with sex. Grrrrr.]), to never do more than kiss a boyfriend, to not kiss someone before he met my parents and we were in a committed relationship.

In the eyes of everyone, I was this perfect little pure girl who loved God with a full heart who did know wrong.

Then came my former boyfriend. Every single one of those vows I had made were broken with him. We met and a month later we shared a kiss. It was passionate and full of hunger to be that close to each other. It felt good.

Until I realized what I had done. In tears, I discussed my disappointment in myself with him. As we continued our relationship, we dove deeper and deeper into sexual sin. The relationship was not the relationship of God I had always imagined I would be in. It quickly turned into a pseudo-cohabiting relationship. I slept at his place every night. I had my own drawer of stuff in his bathroom.

And no one knew. I would sneak away to his place late in the night so no one would see. I'd sneak back into the house with hopes that no one would be awake. I was the example. I was the one who sung praises of the joys of living chastely. Who made all these promises. I was the only example people had of someone practicing her faith and living a chaste life.

And it was all a lie.

I allowed myself to be portrayed as this perfect, Catholic girl. I lied about who I was. I refused to acknowledge these sins I had committed. I wanted desperately to be the girl everyone thought I was. I still do. She seems wonderful. Perfect. Filled with the Holy Spirit.

That woman isn't me. That woman won't be me and it's time I own up to it. I am a sinner just like you, Mother Teresa, and a serial killer. I have my sins and it's obnoxious that I keep trying to pretend I don't.

Do I love God? Absolutely. Enough? Absolutely not.

Do I trust God? Yes. Does that mean I don't worry because I know He's handling everything? I wish I could say I don't, but I'm human. I have cried out of fear of never finding a godly husband. I have angrily yelled at God for a situation in my life. I make all these plans for myself without a second thought as to what God's plan is for me.

Am I perfect? Nope. And I never will be. I think admitting that and humbling myself to the position of a lowly sinner who can do nothing but ask for forgiveness and try not to sin anymore is what, ironically, makes me even better of a model to others than living under the facade of being perfect ever did. When I confessed the many things that I was sorry that happened between me and my ex to my best friend, her first response was that she felt a lot better talking to me about stuff because admitting all of that made me more human. And it's true. Through my own struggles, mistakes, and sorry regrets, I feel I am able to better minister to others in my world, in my church, and in my sorority house.

I've been called perfect, a lovely example of a Catholic woman, a true witness of Christ. I have been called many things. From now on, the title I am most comfortable with is sinner. A sinner who wants nothing more than a full love of Christ, who struggles all the time with it. A sinner who will fall to sin again and again, but will come running back into the Lord's forgiving arms.

A sinner who would love to be the imperfect role model. Who shows the world that of the only two people who were perfect in this world, one died on the cross and the other had to endure her son's death on the cross. 

Day Seventy-Nine: His Most Sacred Heart

So today was the Solemnity of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus Christ. For those of that are like "say whatttttttt?" let me explain the story.

So there was this boss French Catholic nun named Marguerite Marie Alacoque (does anyone else just love that name? Me and my super Catholic hubby [wherever he may be] are totes naming one our little ladies Marguerite Marie. Ok maybe not. MOVING ON) was all praying and stuff and things went down like this.*

December 27, 1673
Marguerite: Jesus! Bonjour! I say bonjour because I'm French! Yay crepes! I love you like A TON. And your awesome sacred heart? LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER!!! GO YOU JESUS!!!
Jesus: *Comes out of nowhere like the boss God He is* Sup.
Marg: WHAT? Jesus I love you!
Jesus: I'm going to let you rest your head upon my heart and it's going to be amazing and awesome and in 340 years, this chick named Colleen is going to be totes jelly. 
Marg: Ok! Tell me stuff *rests head on JESUS' HEART LIKE WHAT*
Jesus: Aight. So my love is AWESOME and I love EVERYONE just SO MUCH and you're going to help me show everyone the wonders of my love and diffuse the treasures of my heart!
Marg: Oh my God! (Literally...) Me? What?
Jesus: Yeppppppp. So for those that practice a devotion to my Sacred Heart, I have some promises for them (the following are copied and pasted because I'm lazy):

1. I will give them all the graces necessary for their state of life.
2. I will give peace in their families.
3. I will console them in all their troubles.
4. I will be their refuge in life and especially in death.
5. I will abundantly bless all their undertakings.
6. Sinners shall find in my Heart the source and infinite ocean of mercy.
7. Tepid souls shall become fervent.
8. Fervent souls shall rise speedily to great perfection.
9. I will bless those places wherein the image of My Sacred Heart shall be exposed and venerated.
10. I will give to priests the power to touch the most hardened hearts.
11. Persons who propagate this devotion shall have their names eternally written in my Heart.
12. In the excess of the mercy of my Heart, I promise you that my all powerful love will grant to all those who will receive Communion on the First Fridays, for nine consecutive months, the grace of final repentance: they will not die in my displeasure, nor without receiving the sacraments; and my Heart will be their secure refuge in that last hour.

Marg: That's like crazy awesome of You. Your heart is the besty best. Tell me more!
Jesus: Tell you more later skater. Byeeeeeee.

June 1674
Marg: OK IT HAS BEEN MONTHS AND I AM CONFUSED WHAT
Jesus: Yo! I'm back. So I want people to receive communion more, like all the time because HELLO I AM OFFERING MY BODY FOR YOU PEEPS SO DON'T REJECT ME!!! And I want people to especially receive Communion on the first Friday of each month (ergo, today) and I want people to do Holy Hours and hang with meeeeee. Ok bye.
Marg: WAIT NO JESUS WHAT

June 16, 1675 aka the "Great Apparition"
Marg: All right so I've been doing some things and praying a lot and I still want more direction.
Jesus: SURPRISE
Marg: Ah! Yay! But ah! *makes French noises of being startled*
Jesus: Yeah. That always seems to happen when I show up. ANYWAY, I want some homage from the king and I want a new devotion to my Most Sacred Heart and a feast of reparation on the Friday after the octave of Corpus Christi (fun, unrelated fact: I love the words Corpus Christi mostly because I get really excited that I know how to say it, how to spell it, and what it means. Come at me Latin!)
Marg: Whoa whoa whoa slow down I need write this all down.
Jesus: Just go tell your priest. See you later in Heaven!

So this awesome devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus Christ was made from these three apparitions. A lot of times, I feel like I focus so much on God's Divine Mercy (that is whole other fun story like the one above with that...heyooo Sister Faustina) and that aspect of His love for me in terms of the mercy I gain from it. That's a really selfish way of thinking about God. "I love you a lot and I'm glad You love me and forgive me because I real nincompoop sometimes so I need A TON of Your mercy. K thankssss." By devoting oneself to the Sacred Heart of Jesus Christ, one focuses on the pure love God has for us. We're so undeserving. We make mistakes. We do things daily that hurt God. But He loves us anyway. Even in the moments where we're angry at Him or blame Him, He still loves us.

God's love for us shows us what true love is and looks like. We're not special, but He loves us as we are. The forgiveness and mercy is only secondary to His great love. He just loves us. We're His children and loves us so. It's amazing and fantastic and just WOW. He's the best. But really.

Just a little note, today was the fourth day in a row I've gone to mass. I think I've been to more daily, non-days of obligation masses this week than I have in my entire life. True story. It. Feels. Wonderful!

*It did not, in fact, sound like or go down like my version of the story. But you get the gist. I hope.

Day something again (I really need to count...) - Being Respected

"If I wasn't respecting my own body, how was he supposed to respect it?"

-Crystalina Evert

I know, I know, I know. Where have I been since my return?

Easy answer: at school. Haha. That week was the week of finals and between my class at school and my online class, I had A LOT of work to do so unfortunately this blog fell to the wayside. Sorryyyyy.

I'm going to try my absolute darndest to write an entry day, but starting next week, I have nannying (every other week but still) from 8-5 and then class from 7-9:30 plus homework plus mass plus chatting with Jesus and His amazing Mother plus family plus friends plus sleep plus food. But yeah. I'll try. But don't be mad at meeee. Haha.

ANYWAY, today I was having a chatsky with a lady friend and we were discussing college life. I made a comment about how most, if not all guys, I have encountered at school are very nice to me. I'm talking "Hey Colleen! How are you doing?", door opening sweetness from guys. Which is totally awesome. But the thing is, these guys don't treat all girls they encounter like they treat me. The same guy that let me hang out in his room during a party and talked to me about how awesome he thought it was that I was up and about only a few months after my transplant, was the same guy that toyed with feelings of a friend, who hit a girl, who hurt many girls and uses them as objects to satisfy his sexual desires. 

So what gives? Why do I hear all these things about it, but then the guy I encounter is a gentleman?

A few girls said he was trying to "get into my pants."

But here's why that theory doesn't make sense. Basically everyone who knows me, knows I am a daughter of Christ and I am so thankful for the body He gave me, and I care so deeply for my future husband. Therefore, the only man that will be celebrating our love in the beautiful way God intended will be my husband. 

This guy knows (and if he doesn't...where has he been? Like actually) and it'd be fruitless to attempt.

So why then? Why does he treat me so well unlike other girls? Why do other guys who too seem to disrespect girls seem to have room for respect for me? What makes me so different that they alter there attitude and behavior towards me?

Because I respect myself, my body, and my soul.

Now this is not an out for guys to disrespect anyone and you should NEVER hit someone (unless you're St. Nicholas and there is a crazy Arian priest running around telling people that Jesus wasn't fully God and fully man [such a boss {boom Catholicism heyoooo}]), let alone a girl (and the things I am talking about don't relate to her as there is no reason you should ever hit a girl). 

This isn't an out, but it should give alarm to how we treat ourselves or look at ourselves. Everyone knows me as someone who dresses modestly, who won't go off and get plastered (and end up doing who knows what), and who won't be going home with a random guy from a party (or even a guy I DO know for that matter). My kisses are saved for someone who has my heart. My soul won't be shared with anyone unworthy. My body is intended for a man who has promised to love me and put God above me with his whole heart, body, and soul. 

And that's respect for yourself that you just can't fake. It's respect that shows. Guys (and everyone else) can see that I am not someone you can push around. Be mean to me and I have enough respect for myself to leave. Hurt me, I'm done. Use me, it's over. I have my moments of weakness and I have the periods of time where I do let people step all over me and it's in those times that I realize I am not respecting myself or my body.

By respecting yourself and your body, by not hiding your body, but instead protecting its beautiful mystery, by loving yourself, you are showing others how to respect you, that your body is a marvelous mystery, and how to love you.

It's so sad to me when I see girls running around, half-naked. It's devastating when a girl loses her virginity to "get it over with." But the worst thing to see is a girl, giving into a guy, and being looked at like an object.

I've seen girls bouncing between guys, being passed off to grind or hump (that's really the nicest way I can describe what I mean). Guys just line up. Waiting for their turn. I've pulled girls away. I've pulled their shirts back down for them. I've gotten guys mad at me for doing it. But later, when the girls sober up, they're happy I did. No one wants to be disrespected like that so don't be an object of easy disrespect!

Don't be that girl. Each time a guy tries to get all up in my business (which doesn't happen often thank goodness [because I dress too modestly for guys to think it {do you get where I'm going with this?}]), it's a satisfying feeling saying no. It's sad that it always surprises these guys. I know I am a rebel. An outlier. A new type of college woman. Someone they have never seen before. Someone interesting who respects herself. Someone who is untouched. By the end of college, when everyone starts seriously looking for a spouse, these men will be wanting the girls who respect themselves. Who didn't allow themselves to be used. Who saved themselves for them. Not the girl they were passed one drunken night to dirty dance with.

Respect yourself and I promise you'll respected in return. Be a rebel. Be God's.