Days Ten/Eleven: Joy

Have you ever met someone or a couple who is/are soooooo unhappy with the relationship they are in? I'm not talking about relationships where there is abuse. That is a whole other spectrum. I am talking about the relationships where one or both partners don't seem to be enjoying it. They just go through the motions, smile when expected to, and push away their feelings of knowing it just isn't right.

That's what's so great about having a relationship with Jesus Christ. It should never feel like that. Having a relationship with God means peace and joy. Always. The worries of a typical earthly relationship like the fear of not being loved, holding something in your heart and worrying about if they'd be forgiven by your partner, and jealousy worries are non-existent. There is only love, hope, and trust.

Tonight was the kick-off to the Easter season. Such a blessed season of such joy. Our Savior has risen! Ah! Oh my gosh! He did what he totally promised to do. Boom. What a boss. Our sins are forgiven. The Lord who knows our hearts literally more than we know our own hearts still sees in us the beauty of who we are. He sees beyond the dark spots of our heart. He knows our sufferings and He puts them to rest. He watches us in our worst moments. He feels the pain of those we hurt. He looks on as we give into a moment of temptation and as we give into sin knowingly. He sees and knows all of this and still He thinks we are worth dying for. How inconceivable is that?

He sees everything and He forgives those who ask for forgiveness. It doesn't matter how bad you think your sin is. He forgives it. It doesn't matter how badly you hurt someone. He forgives it. It doesn't matter how much you doubt Him sometimes. He forgives it. His crucifixion gave us new life for those of us that ask for it and ask for that forgiveness. We are able to make clean and pure so that we may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

So how can you not be joyful with a God like that? How can you not be joyful when you are so fully loved?

To be able to go through life in a beautiful relationship with someone who will forgive you for any mistake you make is amazing. To constantly be seeking to be closer with Him and to know that one day you will be with Him in eternal happiness is a beautiful way of living life. To know that He suffered your sufferings with you and felt your guilt as you did brings about an amazing sense of being understood by Him. To know that no matter what, God has a beautiful plan for you and that as bad as things sometimes seem to get, His plan always wins out is amazing. 

So go forth and be joyful. Go and proclaim that God is Lord and He has reign over the world. Show the world how loved you are by exuding the joy of the Lord. Let your smile be a beacon of God's light. May you dance around and laugh because you know this world is nothing compared to Heaven you hope to reside in for eternity.

Easter season is a time of immense joy. Jesus was resurrected. Our God is not dead. He's fully alive and will live and reign forever. Be joyful in that. Your God is amazing and He loves you enough to send His only son to die so that you may have eternal life. You are just THAT loved. 

This entry will serve as days ten and eleven so I may enjoy Easter with my family. I'll let you know if I change my mind. ;)

"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield." 

- Psalms 5:11-12 

“The men whom I have seen succeed best in life have always been cheerful and hopeful men, who went about their business with a smile on their faces, and took the changes and chances of this mortal life like men, facing rough and smooth alike as it came.” 

- Charles Kingsley

Day Nine: Ultimate Sacrifice

I am in awe of our Lord. Sitting in the Good Friday mass tonight, I just couldn't believe He thought I was worth dying for.

Me. Colleen Gleason. The girl that falls asleep during prayers, sins, and sins some more. 

He still thought I was worth it. He knew my heart and knew I was worth it.

I just...can't even describe the awe I have for that.

Something the priest said tonight struck a cord in particular. Now I've read most of the Gospel accounts of the Passion and the words describing the violence put upon Jesus Christ always stuck out highlighting the torture and abuse He endured before finally being crucified. Tonight, the priest alluded to that. 

"As much as Jesus suffered from the pain and the lashes and the torture, that was nothing compared to the emotional suffering he endured in His heart."

Wow. Just let that soak in. 

This is the first time it hit me what was meant by Him dying for my sins. I think of the times when I have sinned and that time before confession. It just eats me up. It's all I can focus on. I am so sorry to the point of tears sometimes. The worst feeling is the absolute disappointment. The disappointment I feel every time for letting Him down. For giving in. For letting the Devil win in my heart. For letting evil rest there. Sometimes, it just halts my life. I just can't get over it. God loves me so much and I can't do _____ for Him.

Every moment I have ever felt like that. Every sin that has ever hit me. Every pain I have caused myself from sin. All of that. Jesus felt all of that. For every single sin in my life. The amount of hurt He must have felt...I can't even imagine. He took that all upon Himself to save me and so I could one day be up in Heaven for eternity with Him. He knows my heart. He knows the evil I have let in. He knows where I have fallen and where I will fall again. He chose to die for me anyway.

And that's just me thinking about me. He felt that same pain for every single person that was, is, and will be. I can't even believe His own heart wasn't ripped to shreds from that. I just can't handle it. All of our failures, disappointments, sadnesses, losses of hope, guilts, He felt. I am just blown away by His great love for us.

Thinking of this has really changed the way I think about sin. For me now, I want to cause Jesus the least amount of pain I can. I have already caused Him so much. By living my life as close to sin-free as possible, I am showing Him how much I love Him and how I don't want to cause Him anymore pain. I want to live like Mary. Humble. Compassionate. Loving. Trusting everything in the Lord even though she doesn't quite know what He is up to or what His plan is. She caused Him no pain. Can you imagine?

I want to cause Jesus as little pain as possible. He gave it all so I could have it all. He deserves nothing less than my entire life in dedication to serving Him.

Day Eight: The Hands and Feet

I have always considered myself to be a giving and compassionate person. I volunteer when an opportunity arises. I always give the dollar when they ask for a donation in the grocery store. I've been a bell ringer asking for donations.

But as good as that looks, it's not enough. I should be serving God and His people every single day, in some way.

Tonight was Holy Thursday. In the gospel coming from John 13:1-15, the story of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples is told. After he finishes, he leaves his disciples with these words:

He said to them, “Do you realize what I have done for you?
You call me ‘teacher’ and ‘master,’ and rightly so, for indeed I am.
If I, therefore, the master and teacher, have washed your feet, 
you ought to wash one another’s feet.
I have given you a model to follow, 
so that as I have done for you, you should also do.” (John 13:12-15)

Is anyone else's mind just completely blown? Our God. Our Lord. Our Savior. Our everything. He humbled himself enough to lower himself and wash the feet of his twelve disciples. Can you imagine doing such a thing? I have no position of power. I am not a leader of anything.  I am nothing compared to Jesus Christ and thinking about washing another's feet freaked me out and sparked a mini panic attack. Really, Colleen? Really?

Now of course, that was me taking it in the literal sense. Jesus was telling his disciples to go out, humble themselves, and serve others as he had humbled and served them. There are so many ways I can do this in my life, many of which I won't even know about until the moment comes.

I love leading. I love being in control and in charge of everything. Things in AGD, group projects, heck, even family vacations (I held a "mandatory" Spanish phrase teaching session for my family in the limo on the way to the airport before we flew off to Mexico. What does that tell you?) I am so attached to having that control. I control whatever I can. I need to be a follower of God now. I need to let Him do the leading. I need to learn how to put myself in the position of a follower. I need to learn to listen to instructions. It's a work in progress, but I'll get there. I've been told many times before that I intimidate people. How horrible is that! I don't want to be perceived in that way! I want people to be able to come to me with anything. By letting that controlling pride in me go, I can become that person.

In the coming fall, I don't want to take on anymore leadership roles. Will I help with Titan Catholic getting started up? Absolutely. But I just want to get it going and then let God take over. If He leads through me, fine. With everything else though, no thank you. No exec board in Law Society. No position in APO. I'm just going to be one in the crowd. I'm going to learn how to be a sheep in the flock following my Sheperd.

By truly humbling myself, I can become the hands and feet of the Lord. I can do the dirty work. I can wash the feet of His people. It is so important that I learn to serve as He did and humble myself as He did.

I ask for your prayers as I continue to work on this. Thanks for your support in reading. =]

Day Seven: Fellowship

I began writing this post Wednesday night and passed out while doing so. I ended up finishing it following a lunch with a dear friend and it ended up being perfect timing so I decided to rewrite my post for the day. Lately, I've been thinking about fellowship and what it means to be a friend.

So what does it mean to be a friend?

I have begun to reflect on that question. The more I do, the more I realize I really suck at being a friend. I really do. I don't answer text messages, Facebook messages, etc. I back out of things at the last minute. I don't listen fully in conversations. I gossip. I do little things here and there, but I think there's a part of me that really likes doing them because they make me feel good, not because of the joy it will give to my friend. 

So I know what it means to not be a friend. But still, what does that tell me about being a good friend? What is a good friend?

A good friend is someone that encourages godly behaviors and choices while loving and forgiving you anyway when you sin against God. It's someone who you know you can always count on to answer your call. It's someone that you know you can turn to and they will be there to help no matter how awful their own day is and they will drop everything to help you. A good friend cares for your soul, your life, your happiness, everything. A good friend loves you at all times.

In Edward Sri's book Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love which was based on Pope John Paull II's Love and Responsibility, he mentions a phrase Italians have for love. Ti voglio bene which literally means not "I love you," but instead "I want what is good for you." I think that is such a beautiful expression. And isn't that what love is? Wanting the good for another?

When you choose to share a friendship with someone, you are choosing to love them. You should be wanting the good for that person and you should provide good in your own actions towards that person. You should be bringing them closer to Christ in anyway you can. As I write this, I am thinking about the atheist friends I would lose if I was trying to "save" them all the time. Sometimes, the best way to show these friends is too simply be a great representative of the Church. Be joyful in the Lord. When hardship comes, find hope in the Lord and keep smiling through it. When your world is going crazy and you feel like you can't keep up, take a moment, and find peace in the Lord. For anyone around you (especially friends), this can mean so much. To borrow a trite, but so true quote, you could be the only bible a person ever reads.

Today, I caught up with a friend who I had been a bit on the outs with for awhile. We hadn't been close in years and we didn't tend to talk much since. When she tried to get together, I fell into the same bad friend habits I mentioned earlier and didn't treat her with the respect she deserved as my sister in Christ. I had so many regrets regarding my behavior when I met up with her for lunch today. So many. She shared her story of how she came to Christ (I WAS SO EXCITED YOU GUYS!!!!!!) One of the things that stuck out to me that she said was how she started noticing all these Christians who were so happy. She was intrigued and wanted to know what the deal was. One thing led to another and now she will, for the first time in her life, be celebrating Easter as a Christian. How amazing is that? It is so beautiful and I am beyond happy for her. All the Christians that were joyful in the Lord helped lead a fine young women to God. After our lunch, I was so overjoyed. I had been praying to God for more godly women and close friend. I kept thinking new friends, but I forgot that the best of friends can sometimes be found in the past. Now I know I have someone who understands my struggles and my goals. It's amazing. I am so happy to have her.

Remember there are people like my friend constantly surrounding you. You may not know it. Together, we are all family. Your job is to bring as many of those people to Christ. We are all one fellowship under God. Treat your family, friends, coworkers, classmates, whoever with complete love. Wish the good for them. Be good to them. Show what  a Christ-led life looks like. Be a friend to the friendless. Love the unloved. Administer to the lonely. We are all one family an we better start loving each other like one.

Day Six: Accountability

I don't like it when people figure out my flaws. I don't like it when people know my struggles (especially those where I seem to always lose). I wouldn't know what to do with myself if people knew all the sins I struggle with in my heart.

But sometimes, the best way to overcome those struggles and sins is to let others in on them. You'll always be accountable to God, but it helps when you have someone else to hold you accountable and not be afraid to ask "so how have you been doing with _____?"

Some people have mentors they look up to. Others have mentees who look up to them. Close friends, church leaders, your mom.  The possibilities for an accountabuddy are endless. This blog is my way of staying accountable. Slowly I've started to share it with more and more people in my life. I'm nervous about it. I don't lie on this blog. I am raw and honest. About my failures and my life. It's only the beginning and I'm sure this journey is going to have rough spots and I am going to fall. I already have had some slip-ups and I was able to talk to a friend about them.

So today I started contacting more people and sharing my blog. These women (they ended up all being women...oops?) are women who understand what a relationship with God means and entails. These women have felt the same struggles. These women won't be afraid to ask "so how has that been going?" or say "you seem like you're struggling with emotional chastity. Let's talk about it."

These ladies have hearts looking to the Lord. They understand the virtue of chastity. They see the beauty in each of us that God has created. Just by knowing that they know the project I am working on and could ask at any point about it has fueled my will to stick with it. I want so badly to do this for God, but I also know I am weak and this is just the beginning of my reigniting of my relationship with Him. It will get easier to do this for Him, but now I need that extra boost from my sisters in Christ down here.

Sharing this has required a bit of humbling and that's good. God is working in me. I want to be able to share my struggles with others. I want to be able to own up to my sins and tell the world that I am not perfect and I am a sinner, but I am forgiven by God. By sharing that, I hope to open others to Him and show them that the Church is not full of people who think they are perfect. The Church is filled with sinners. The sins vary, but every single one of us is a sinner. I have gotten better at looking down at others for their particular sins. How is their sin of lustful thoughts any different from my proud thoughts? We are both choosing to entertain such thoughts away from God.

So this is my way of giving others the chance to see that I am a sinner too. I am a sinner that needs not only the help of the Lord up in Heaven, but from all my Christian brothers and sisters here on Earth. I need support. I need encouragement. I need someone to talk to when I am struggling. I need someone to embarrass me into better shape if I start falling. I am a proud woman who needs to be humbled and this is a great way to do it.

I've prayed hard about this journey with Christ. I took in the signs. I know this is something I am going to do and need to do. I will not fail. I may stumble, but it's good to know I have my sisters here to pick me up off the ground.

On a completely different note, this quote was posted today on the Facebook of Whole Magazine. This is a Christian woman written e-mag and I seriously love it. The articles are phenomenal and really speak to young women. I encourage you all to check it out. A friend of mine is actually a writer for The Identity Project! You can find her here. Anyway, this quote was perfect for my project and may end up being my go-to quote to keep me encouraged!

"Sometimes we have to steal away and get to really know our first love, which is Jesus. We must know that God is our spiritual husband and until we can learn not to cheat on Him and be faithful to Him, we will never be ready for our earthly husband." - Carla Cannon

Day Five: Giving Full Attention

Anyone who knows me knows I am here, then there, then over there, and back again. My mind is so easily distracted. I can't sit still. I thrive on change and movement. I can't stay with one thing for too long. Me doing homework looks like this weird "20 minutes of reading this, then write a paragraph for this, then write up some flashcards, now return to the reading" way of getting stuff done.

So for me, focus, concentration, and full attention are words that are repelled by the likes of people like me.

I will admittedly say I can be a pretty awful friend sometimes because I just can't focus on the person or what he/she is telling me. If you go beyond like two minutes with a story, I am lost. I'll try really really REALLY hard to pay attention, but it just won't happen. 

So adoration for me is really difficult. Like crazy difficult sometimes. St. Therese of Liseux is one of my fave saints because she fell asleep while saying her prayers so that makes me feel ridiculously better about my life. She fell asleep during her prayers and I would say she turned out all right.

But I digress. While the Little Flower makes me feel better about the fact that I'm only human and I lose my attention sometimes, that doesn't mean it's ok to me. I don't want to lose attention or get sleepy. I want to be completely awake and present and talking to the Holy Spirit when Jesus is right in front of me. I want every thought that passes through my mind to be on Him. I want to be carefully listening for Him. I want to be able to sit and just talk to Him. For five minute. For twenty minutes. For the full hour of adoration.

Yesterday in adoration, I am pretty sure there was a period of maybe five minutes where I was sleeping. No jokes. No exaggeration. How dare I? God is right there. Right in front of me. And I fall asleep. I must be the WORST daughter of God.

What's so interesting to me about this project is that originally it was about getting closer to God and becoming the woman of Christ who would be worthy of a man of Christ and preparing myself for him, but after just thefirst few days, I have seen such parallels between our relationships with others and our relationships with God.

The topic of attention particularly brings that together for me. I don't listen enough to people. I don't focus on the words of the person enough or what he or she is trying to say. I am always moving onto the next topic of conversation or story before they've barely begun their first one. In adoration, I couldn't just be in the moment with God and focusing on Him. While praying in the beginning, I was already thinking about if I wanted to read my devo book or say a rosary. As I prayed my devo, I was getting excited about journalling. As I was journalling, I was looking at my watch to see the time and if I was finished with my hour because I had errands to run. At some point in all of this, I took a cat nap.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU LOVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!

I am the same way with my relationships. I read articles online while skyping. I read in the car while my mom is trying to have a conversation. I get distracted on some other random train of thought as my friend speaks and my response alludes not to her words, but to where my mind took me.

Being a good friend, spouse, or daughter of God means you triumph above those temptations. You choose to focus on that person or God, because you love him or her. It's sacrificing your silly thoughts for the greater good of caring for what your friend or God has to say because it is more important.

It is going to take awhile for me to learn how to focus on God. It's going to take some time to learn how to just be in the moment with everything in my life in general instead of always looking towards the next thing. That's no way to live and it is certainly no way to love.

Day Four: The Rules

So I figured since I was starting this project, I should probably set a few rules for myself. I have had ideas brewing in my head for the past few days, but I need to get them down in words and recorded for the world to see.

• No touchy - Nothing, but hugs. No hand holding. No kissing. No kisses on the cheek. No touching someone's arm or back. No playful pushes. Nothing, but a quick hug to say hi or goodbye.
• No cuddling - Meh. I love me some schnuggles, but they are not allowed. With anyone. Just no.
• No flirting - Know the line between being nice and peppy and being flirty. Be honest with yourself. If you catch yourself crossing the line, tone it down.
• Write a love letter to God every week - Take time to reflect on how your relationship has improved with Him in the previous week. Thank Him for all He has done and given you. How have you failed Him? Apologize. Think of how you can improve your relationship in the coming week. Adore God. Give Him praise. Love Him.
• No Facebook creeping - If you say you don't do this, you're a straight liar. Own up to it. If you meet a guy, get to know him in real life, not based off of what you see on Facebook. Facebook can be so deceiving. You can either build up someone to who they say they are on Facebook or you can completely be turned off by somebody great who seems boring or weird of his/her profile. Facebook creeping turns into an obsession and takes focus off of God.
• Spend time with Him - Go to adoration at least once a week. Spend time just sitting there with Him. Talk with Him. Adore Him. Hand Him over your worries. Let Him help you with them. Give Him your full love and attention.
• Thank Him constantly for the gifts He gives you - Everything you have was given by Him. We often think of food and shelter, but think of the tiny things that make HUGE differences. Can you imagine life without toilet paper? Seriously. When is the last time you thanked God for toilet paper? Small thing. Big difference.
• Get involved in church - Find a ministry to get involved in or to help with. Spend more time at church. Be a part of the community.
• When you talk to Him, focus only on Him - No lazy half-hearted, I'm-thinking-about-other-things-and-getting-distracted prayers. Put all of your attention on Him completely like He deserves.
• No planning - This means weddings, babies (however, if a cute name is heard, I am DEFINITELY adding it to the note on my phone), or my husband. I can't plan any of these things and I don't know who I am going to end up with or what his life looks like and how it will affect mine. I can prepare for those in my future, but not to the point where I am looking at which bridesmaid dresses are my favorites.
• Take care of your temple - Your body is B-E-A-UTIFUL and gosh darn it, show it some respect! Workout often. Eat healthy. Prepare yourself. Be healthy for not just yourself and God, but the ones who love you.
• No dirty mouth - No swearing. No dirty jokes. No gossip. In a relationship, you need to give some in order to show you truly care for the other. By giving up on these, you are showing God that you care so much about Him. Plus, God loves everyone. You should love those your love loves (does that make sense to anyone else?). Would you gossip about your best friend's mom? No, because she loves her mama. Well, everyone is a child of God. If you want to be closer to God, don't diss His children or swear at them!
• Don't listen to/watch bad media - I touched on this a bit before, but don't listen to music that denounces God or goes against His teachings. Same goes for other types of media. It's totes awk when you're trying to strengthen your relationship with God and then you get into the car and listen to a song screaming about getting all hot up in a club with a bunch *****es. Get my drift?
• Love yourself - Ok this is huge for me, but I am going to try to go one day a week without wearing any make-up (breathe, Colleen, breathe). I know I am beautiful and fearfully made, but then why do I wear make-up EVERYWHERE and hide behind it? I need to love myself. Go without make-up. Try. Love your skin. It's beautiful. Just the way God likes it.

I am sure I'll be adding more rules to this list as things come up, but this is a solid start and should cover just about everything. I am really excited for this and I believe I can do it. God is my strength and I can feel Him strengthening me. 

Oh and le boy from the bookstore actually emailed me. He neglected to mention the volunteer thing. I think we all know what that means. More to come later...

Day Three: The Boy in the Bookstore

Tonight, I wanted to have some alone time away from the house. I love my sorority sisters, but I needed time away to stretch my legs. I drove off. It felt so good. I was on my own for the first time in awhile. I grabbed dinner and answered emails as I ate. There is something about me and coffeehouses that just equates to productivity for whatever reason. Weird. Anyway, there was a local bookstore across the street that I really wanted to visit. It was closed so I decided to head to Barnes and Noble.

I wandered a bit looking at different titles, but I had enough works of fiction at home and I knew I wanted something that would help me on my year of no dating. I headed to the Self Help section. I want to improve myself for God, myself, and my future husband. I want to learn to live in the moment and appreciate my time here on earth as a gift from God. I want to learn to use every moment in preparation for entering His Heavenly kingdom. I was reading the titles and picking up books and putting them back, judging each carefully.

Then he showed up.

Before I continue, let me make it known to everyone that Belle is my absolute favorite Disney princess. She was brunette and beautiful and French and loved books. She was basically everything I ever wanted to be when I was younger. My dream was to meet a boy in a bookstore (probably in the religion section obvi), fall madly in love, and be married and have 6 children who all love and adore books as much as we do. Sooooooo a boy in a bookstore is a major, crazy temptation. And it's only day three. But I digress...

I noticed someone was now next to me reading the titles from the same shelves I was. I continued my search. He picked out a book and looked at it. Then he spoked up, "have you read this?"

I had and answered yes. Our conversation began. He looked around my age, if not a bit older. He was brunette, good looking, and had a cute smile. He was one of those guys who you just know is a good guy immediately

40 minutes later, I knew his name, a bit about his family, and what he studied in school. It was so nice to get to learn about the life of someone new. It was a simple conversation, but I learned so much. I gave him my email address so he can email me about a volunteer opportunity for me in the fall when I return to Bloomington (I'm here now!)

I wasn't flirting. I wasn't giggling superficially. I wasn't doing anything. I was being me. Just me.

It felt so freeing. He may be interested in me in that way, he may not. Either way, he saw me as a person. We talked easily and casually. We were equally interested in each other as human beings.

This is how a friendship blossoms. This is how you get to know someone. This is how every good relationship begins. A simple interest in who a person is. With my future husband, I want a start like this. Let's be friends first. Let's get to know one another. Let's be directed by a general interest in each other first and then we'll get to the love stuff once we know who we're falling in love with.

For me, this also was a way for me to think about my relationship with God. Have I taken an interest in Him? What questions have I asked? What stories do I know? Recently, I have been reading the Gospels. I'm more than halfway through Matthew. I want to get to know Jesus Christ. I want to know His stories. God has such an interest in all of us. He cares so deeply for even the tiniest aspects of our lives. He deserves that same interest in Him from us. I have been sucked in. Our God is an amazing god! Amazing! His Word reveals so much to us just as talking with a stranger in a bookstore can reveal so much.

So I am going to continue read the Gospels and get to know Him. In the future, I want to get to know a guy more before I consider dating him. I want to get an honest view of who he is as a person. Everyone is wonderful and on their best behavior when meeting someone they are attracted to. When I date someone again, I don't want him to be a fluffed up version. I want the real deal. I want to know all about Him just as I want to know all about my God.

Day Two: Informal

Yesterday (day two!) was my sorority's informal event. The theme was "Unofficial St. Patty's Day." It was so much fun dressing up for! Being at the event reminded me of the vows of purity and chastity I had made to myself, God, and my husband years ago. It was a great reminder of how I should (and shouldn't) be living my life. I love all my sisters dearly and respect that they are in charge of their own lives, choices, and morals, but most are of this world. I would like to belong to His world in Heaven. The man I choose to marry will see that I am looking past this world and up at Him.

There were a few things I saw last night that reminded me of what it meant to be of His world in the context of purity:

• Dress like a woman of God - I am a conservative dresser and that is especially amplified at events like this. My body is something to be truly cherished. I am a work of art and God is my masterful creator! I only want to share my body with the one who appreciates every part of me. In today's society, there's no such thing as a naturally "perfect" body. God looks at all of us and sees the love and beauty He put in each of us as He created us. I can show great love for others with the smile God gave me. I don't need to reveal anything else. I am clothed in dignity. By covering myself, I am showing to God and others that I am respecting the gift of my body given to me by the Lord. I am cherishing it. That will quickly weed out the unwanted attention from guys who have no place for God and His way of a chaste life commanded for us in their hearts, let alone me.
• Look at others as works of God - Along the same vein, change the way you look at others. Our society looks only at flaws. Just look at the amount of products out there that combat wrinkles alone. Then the surgeries! People are voluntarily cutting themselves and risking their health and lives to get rid of a single flaw. Can you imagine how different society would be if we all looked around at each other not as bodies with flaws that need to be addressed and instead as wonderful sons and daughters who were created and crafted BY GOD in the likeness of God? I need to work on this and I completely admit to it. Every single one of us is a beauty. We need to start acting like it.
• Respect the hearts of others - When I was single before my ex-boyfriend, I was an avid fan of what I deemed "innocent flirting." I was a flirty friend to many guys that I knew. I naturally have a very bubbly and peppy personality which tends to come off as flirty in certain circumstances, but this "innocent flirting" was deliberate. As humans, we like the sensation of touch. We swoon after something simple like a hand touched to your back or placed on your arm. We like how we feel when we are flirting and it's being returned. We like compliments and the feeling that someone is interested in us. The problem is that what I may think is innocent flirting for fun could lead to a very real and serious attraction in the other party. By flirting with guys I have no intention of ever dating, I am not respecting them as sons of God who were given hearts that can love and break. I was using them and objectifying them (yes, women can objectify men too!) as tools of my own personal entertainment and self-boosting. While admittedly none of them were very likely to create an attachment to me (the whole waiting until marriage thing can be quite the turnoff to the wrong type of men) and were simply friends, I was also showing that I didn't respect the heart of my husband. Can you imagine your future spouse running around flirting with every person of the opposite gender? Touching arms, winking, sending flirty text messages, the whole shebang. It gives you the shivers, doesn't it? How selfish is it for me to not want my husband to be doing that and yet here I am? Last night, I thought I did pretty well with it. After being with my ex-boyfriend for a year, I had to almost relearn how to be friends with guys without flirting with them. That is continuing now and I'm appreciative. It's definitely more of a struggle being single, but it's a struggle that's well worth it.
• Respect yourself - Some of the things I saw last night made me so sad. So many women are used for their bodies today. Our society has turned our bodies into tools, ladies. Many men have taken note and, again, society has told them it's ok. The way girls were grinding saddened me. Many guys were doing what they wanted and putting their hands where they wanted. My beautiful sisters. Being used like a squeeze toy until they could later leave together and do whatever else more. A woman of God respects herself as a woman of God. You can have a glass of wine or two, but please don't get drunk. You become a person you can't control. You become a person you don't quite know. You become a person that can be easily manipulated in the right hands. You do silly things and you wake up needing others to tell you what those silly things were. You throw up (not a pretty color on anyone) and you feel awful. We are worth so much more than that! You can still have a great time while stone cold sober! I did! Haha. God has plans for each of us. Getting blacked out on a Friday night and spending all Saturday with a huge headache, trying to fall asleep, and piecing together your night from the accounts of others is never in His plans.
• Don't judge, just pray - I used to be VERY judgmental of others who didn't live the way I thought they should. How dare I? My freshman year, I came into school thinking I was so wonderful and perfect and everyone else needed to get their stuff together and act more like me and the world would be a better place. I've since realized how proud I was. Pride is a sin I am constantly struggling with and God has really done great things with it. We've made big strides together towards my humility and I pray we continue on that path. Last night, I wasn't looking at girls grinding or chugging or screaming along to horrid rap songs with contempt or judgment. I was looking at them as my sisters of Christ who lost their way. I prayed for all of them. I want them to see the beauty I see in each one of them. I want them to see they are worth so much more than how they are treating themselves and their bodies. On the day of judgment, God is the judge and He is the one who will see their hearts and look back at their behavior in these days. I pray that there will be a point when Jesus is able to say, "and here your heart changed and you decided to live your life for me and change your behavior." So I don't need to judge and I won't. But you better bet I am praying so hard for them.
• Find fellow women of God (or at least those who share similar values) - I ended up hanging out with a fellow sister and her friend she brought. None of us knew the songs (rap ain't my thang, yo), so we ended up bonding over it. We joked about how awful we all were at dancing and spent some time being awkward dancers and laughing. Such innocent and free joy! When the random oldie would come on, we would sing along. By surrounding myself with other women who were conservatively dressed, sober (or close to sober), and just enjoying the company of others, I found it so much easier to be pure and to have pure thoughts. To steal from the Everts, you need to meet your bridesmaids before you meet your husband. I need to surround myself with more godly women and to develop stronger relationships with those people. I can talk to anyone about boy issues, but only a woman whose heart is in Christ can help me with my heart and can suggest a path towards love that is endorsed by God. It's hard to talk about your struggle with purity with someone who doesn't see value in living a chaste life.
• Surround yourself with positive, pure, godly media and influences - While the relationships you are in are the biggest influence over you, media also has an influence over you. Since coming to college, I have been hearing more and more ungodly music. I have gotten into some of it. I put it on my iPod. Eventually, my days of jamming to KLOVE during my trips in the car turned into ragers with dub step blasting through the speakers and not so nice words or messages accompanying them. That music influenced and signalled who I was becoming as a person. Suddenly, I was struggling to not swear here and there whereas it hadn't been an issue since I stopped swearing years ago. The messages were awful and permeated in my head. Songs of hate filled my ears and I sang along with them, sometimes pairing different people in my life I was particularly struggling to get along with to a song. Something as simple as the playlist I hit while getting ready in the morning could completely alter my day and the choices I made. By listening to my Christian or innocent music, I can start my day loving God and choosing His path. The songs call me to look to Heaven and to choose Him. Music is just one example, but things like your TV shows (I recently stopped watching Girls because it is literally horrible and so ungodly, I could make an entire post on it if I truly wanted to), magazines, and books can do the same thing. Your environment controls more in your life than you even realize.

It was a night that helped me to really look at choices I have made and will make in the future. It helped me look at how I wanted to live my life. My sisters are all wonderful and beautiful creatures who were wonderfully and artistically made. Please join me in praying for all of them to see their beauty and to respect the gift of their bodies. Pray I continue to become less judgmental and more loving. If you struggle with pride, start looking at your life as a challenge to give God all your glory in your life. Name Him as the winner in your victories.

God bless everyone! Have a wonderful Saturday!

"We use a most unfortunate idiom when we say, of a lustful man prowling the streets, that he "wants a woman." Strictly speaking, a woman is just what he does not want. He wants a pleasure for which a woman happens to be the necessary piece of apparatus. How much he cares about the woman as such may be gauged by his attitude to her five minutes after fruition (one does not keep the carton after one has smoked the cigarettes). Now Eros makes a man really want, not a woman, but one particular woman. In some mysterious but quite indisputable fashion the lover desires the Beloved herself, not the pleasure she can give." - C.S. Lewis

Day One: Deciding to Date Jesus

I spent the last year worshipping a guy over my favorite Guy up in Heaven. Now that the guy I had given my whole heart to has left me, leaving my heart on the ground, I have a choice.

I could a) pick up that dirtied heart and rush off to parties to flirt with other guys and try and find someone (who isn't looking at my heart, clearly, or he would have seen it's dirty) new ASAP to give that heart to or I could b) take a good look at my heart and clean it. I can hand it over completely to God for the next year and let Him cleanse it. I can do my best to give him the tools He needs. I can give him my focus, my attention, my thoughts, my words, my actions, and, when I give Him my heart, my love. After this year with Him, I will have a clean and purified heart. It will be mine to control again and it will be completely engulfed in worshipping Him.

After a year, God will still have my heart, but He’ll give me permission to share it again. Only then, when my heart is completely filled with God, will I allow myself to look for my husband. Our hearts will meet in God.

If I meet him before then, well then we’ll have quite the dandy friendship. I am putting God first in my life, starting now until forever. I will not worship another again over Him.

So I am going with option B. No flirting, no dating, no thinking “what if…” about any guy, no anything. If a thought enters my mind about a guy, in will pop Jesus to replace him instead. I’m dating Jesus this year. I won’t be cheating on Him. I’m focusing on our relationship only. He’ll give my hand to the one He deems worthy for my heart when the time comes.

Until then, Jesus is my only guy.

Please pray for me everyone as I embark on this journey of the heart.