Anyone who knows me knows I am here, then there, then over there, and back again. My mind is so easily distracted. I can't sit still. I thrive on change and movement. I can't stay with one thing for too long. Me doing homework looks like this weird "20 minutes of reading this, then write a paragraph for this, then write up some flashcards, now return to the reading" way of getting stuff done.
So for me, focus, concentration, and full attention are words that are repelled by the likes of people like me.
I will admittedly say I can be a pretty awful friend sometimes because I just can't focus on the person or what he/she is telling me. If you go beyond like two minutes with a story, I am lost. I'll try really really REALLY hard to pay attention, but it just won't happen.
So adoration for me is really difficult. Like crazy difficult sometimes. St. Therese of Liseux is one of my fave saints because she fell asleep while saying her prayers so that makes me feel ridiculously better about my life. She fell asleep during her prayers and I would say she turned out all right.
But I digress. While the Little Flower makes me feel better about the fact that I'm only human and I lose my attention sometimes, that doesn't mean it's ok to me. I don't want to lose attention or get sleepy. I want to be completely awake and present and talking to the Holy Spirit when Jesus is right in front of me. I want every thought that passes through my mind to be on Him. I want to be carefully listening for Him. I want to be able to sit and just talk to Him. For five minute. For twenty minutes. For the full hour of adoration.
Yesterday in adoration, I am pretty sure there was a period of maybe five minutes where I was sleeping. No jokes. No exaggeration. How dare I? God is right there. Right in front of me. And I fall asleep. I must be the WORST daughter of God.
What's so interesting to me about this project is that originally it was about getting closer to God and becoming the woman of Christ who would be worthy of a man of Christ and preparing myself for him, but after just thefirst few days, I have seen such parallels between our relationships with others and our relationships with God.
The topic of attention particularly brings that together for me. I don't listen enough to people. I don't focus on the words of the person enough or what he or she is trying to say. I am always moving onto the next topic of conversation or story before they've barely begun their first one. In adoration, I couldn't just be in the moment with God and focusing on Him. While praying in the beginning, I was already thinking about if I wanted to read my devo book or say a rosary. As I prayed my devo, I was getting excited about journalling. As I was journalling, I was looking at my watch to see the time and if I was finished with my hour because I had errands to run. At some point in all of this, I took a cat nap.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU LOVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!
I am the same way with my relationships. I read articles online while skyping. I read in the car while my mom is trying to have a conversation. I get distracted on some other random train of thought as my friend speaks and my response alludes not to her words, but to where my mind took me.
Being a good friend, spouse, or daughter of God means you triumph above those temptations. You choose to focus on that person or God, because you love him or her. It's sacrificing your silly thoughts for the greater good of caring for what your friend or God has to say because it is more important.
It is going to take awhile for me to learn how to focus on God. It's going to take some time to learn how to just be in the moment with everything in my life in general instead of always looking towards the next thing. That's no way to live and it is certainly no way to love.
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