Days Twenty-Four and Twenty-Five: Mama Mary

So there's a lot of discrepancy among non-Catholics over whether or not we worship Mary.

We don't worship her, but we are BASICALLY obsessed with her. And why shouldn't we be? She's the most boss human (I mean Jesus was fully man AND fully God so we don't count that) like everrrrrrr.

Think of it in this way. What would have happened if Mary, this 14-year-old girl, got scared and said no to God? What would have happened to you or me? What would that have meant for all the words of the prophets who said she would say yes and from her she would nor our Savior? The fate of all of humanity was riding on her young, sin-free shoulders and the answer she would give to God.

And she said yes.

Middle school is that sucky period in life that everyone likes to pretend didn't happen. We hide the pictures. We don't tell any stories. Now imagine being that age. That awkward, terrible age. You just started the big P word. Boys are stupid. Your body is awkward and changing and goodness only knows what is happening on your face.

Imagine that time when Mary was that age. She had just gotten married to this old guy who had a bunch of kids who were much older than her (aswk) even though she told everybody she was dedicating her life to God and planned on maintaining her virginity (which she did her entire life and if you disagree, Imma Christian smack you*). She had full faith in God though and followed through and was a good wife. Imagine this all just went down and you were Mary and you're probably like "the heck are you planning here, God? This guy is like 90 (side note: not a true fact). Ain't no one got time for that, but aight. You the boss." (Apparently, the 14-year-old Mary in my mind is sassy and does not speak in a grammatically correct way). 

So she's already probably in a state of change when this ridiculously terrifying angel comes to her and asks "hey, I know this would look all bad and stuff and make you look like a cheater and all that jazz, buttttt God wants to put a baby in you. Oh and THIS BABYS WILL SAVE THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE. So. Does that sound like a dandy little adventure you'd like to go on?"

And she says yes. (And I say this twice because it is super duper ally ooper mega important for you and your whole family and every person you have ever met and *loses breath*)

IS ANYONE ELSE'S MIND BLOWN AT THIS DECISION?!?!?! Boom. The course of the rest of earthly time was forever changed with her yes. Personally, I'd probably be cowering in the corner in fear of the angel, crying, and then when asked to birth the Savior of Man, pass out from sheer disbelief. But Mary said yes. She said yes to God's plan for her. She was young. She knew the  risks. She knew what it would mean. She said yes anyway.

This weekend, I've been thinking a lot more about Mary. I really want to model my spiritual life after hers. I mean, obviously I will never carry the Savior in my womb, but I can still look at her humility, compassion, and undying faith to God. It's amazing. She was with Jesus every step of the way. She was His mommy.

And she's my mommy too. I need to call onto her to ask for her intercession more. I need to pray the rosary more. I need to ask her to pray for me more and for more reasons. I need to develop a relationship with her too.

She said yes to God. I want to say yes to God like she did. I want to have full faith in His plans like she did. It all sounded like a bad idea, but it was God's plan and she said yes. I sometimes wonder if I would have said yes. I wonder if I wouldn't have trusted God's plan. I wonder if I would only be looking at what that would mean for me in this world. I don't want to think that way anymore. I want to be able to blindly move forward in the way God is nudging me and feel good knowing it is right, no matter what happens. I want to be more like Mary.

On March 28th, I am prayerfully considering consecrating myself to Jesus Christ through Mama Mary. I ask you all pray for me if I were to make such a decision.

Now go and show your Mama some love.

Hail Mary, full of grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed are thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for our sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

"The honor of Mary is so intimately connected with the honor and glory of Jesus that to deny the one is at the same time a denial of the other." - Blessed William Joseph Chaminade, 1761-1850 AD

*A Christian smack is a quick, gritted teeth prayer to God to fix your mind so your realize your error. In this case, knowing the VIRGIN Mary was a VIRGIN all her life and died a VIRGIN. Any questions, please consult the Bible or hit me upppp. I completely made up a Christian smack, but I'm digging it so expect it to be used in future blogposts, if not all of them.

Day Twenty-Three: What was the good of this?

Soooo I've always said that God loves to pull pranks on me. And it's completely true. I'm sure Him and the Saints have all gotten MANY hearty chuckles at me and my life.

I'll admit, at the time, I am just razzled and wondering "WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE?!?!?!" but I quickly learn to laugh at the newest joke in my life. It usually ends in a simple lesson, a needed reassurance, or a reminder to trust in God. Typically, it ends in me cracking up regardless of the case, looking up to the Lord, and giggling as I ask why He couldn't just TELL me I needed to do this or that.

But as much as I ask Him to do that, I also know that I have difficulty listening to God most of the time. I am very stubborn that way. So one of His favorite ways to make sure I get His message is to mess with me.

To be completely honest, I'm fine with it.

Haha. Today He was a bit rough with me. I was on my way to Indy to visit a good friend for her formal. I needed to make the 3:23pm Metra train into the city in order to catch the Amtrak down to Indy. 

Problem was, when I looked at the schedule, I did not see 3:23pm. I saw 3:32pm.

As we pulled into the station at 3:20pm, we saw a train and then minutes later saw it pull away and that was when I realized what had happened. Sooooo I had to take the next train at 4:07. Problem was, this train got in only EIGHT MINUTES before my Amtrak left.

Said train decided to also be EIGHT MINUTES late pulling into Union Station. Needless to say, I ended up crying and watching as the last train to Indy departed. Dejected, I called my mom crying. I found a bus, but it was getting all kinds of creeping after a certain time if you get my drift so my dad came to pick me up and drove me down to Indianapolis. A four hour drive. Yeah. He's pretty awesome.

So where's the HAHAHAHAHA OMG GOD YOU ARE SERIOUSLY HILARIOUS LOL LOL LOL moment?

Well, I'm still kind of waiting for it.

I'm typically pretty good at quickly finding a positive in any situation and figuring out how anything that hurts me or breaks me down is making me stronger. With this, I was at a loss. A complete loss. I made it to my friend's place. It was a huge inconvenience for my parents and me. We wasted money. What was the point God was making out of that situation? What was He trying to show me?

And I just don't know. But I am absolutely sure there was some good that came out of it. I just have to trust it. And who knows? Maybe the good wasn't for me. Maybe me missing the trains somehow affected someone else. Maybe it did something for my parents. Maybe a stranger noticed me reading my Bible in the station as I waited for my dad and that touched them. Who knows?

We're only human. Our understanding of things like this is actually pathetic. Our mental capabilities are incomparable to God's infinite knowledge and wisdom. We just need to trust Him. One day, when I will HOPEFULLY be entering His Heavenly Kingdom, I will get to ask Him what the point was. I know it has a reason and is a good one. I don't know what it is, but I can confidently say there is one.

And hey. Who knows? Maybe His response will be, "ehhhh you're fun to mess with" and we can laugh about it into eternity.

Day Twenty-Two: A Holy Marriage

So I love Tumblr. A lot. I follow a lot of really neat tumblogs that deal with God. It's pretty cool to have a community where we all believe in the same thing, can crack Catholic jokes, and defend our faith knowing we actually have someone to back us. Anyway, this photo showed up in my feed and everything halted for me. 

So often, I tend to think of the Holy Family as just that. A family with Jesus. Which I mean, obviously, isn't wrong.  But there is a major part of the family that I forget about sometimes. The marriage in it between Joseph and Mary.  Seeing this picture reminded me of that.

Now, I don't know if they ever fell in love after they were married. Joseph was being compassionate by taking in the young Mary as his wife. They didn't meet at a bible study meeting (because the Catholic Church didn't put the bible together yet obviouslyyyy), become friends, go on a few dates, get serious, fall in love, get engaged and then get married because they were oh so in love. St. Joseph was just being a pretty rad guy who saw Mama Mary needed to be taken in as a wife. Boom. Done. 

But that doesn't mean they didn't have a loving marriage (and again, they could have TOTALLY fallen in love and I just had no idea so there is my disclaimer on that). Joseph cared for Mary as his wife. He protected her and dropped everything for her. He listened to God and took care of this girl (basically) who was having a child that wasn't his. He took on the risk of a scandal and stood by her side. He travelled with her and made sure she was safe. He was nothing, but loving to her. I feel like Joseph is not honored enough sometimes. He was amazing. We know what it feels like to sin and how it hurts. Can you just IMAGINE living with two COMPLETELY SINLESS people? Can you imagine raising the SON OF GOD? Like wow. If that was me, I would have a straight up inferiority complex because I couldn't handle it. But he did and St. Joseph, surrounded by the Mother of God and the Son of God, had the most peaceful death I've ever heard of.

Mary, on the other hand, knew how to serve her husband and we can look to her as an influence for how to be a wife. Haha. I think my thoughts head towards "What would Mary do?" more often than WWJD because she is such an icon for how to live as a woman of Christ. We should look up to her. Her devotion and faith was amazing and that poured into her marriage.

When I look at this image, I want Mother Mary and St. Joseph at my wedding next to me and my husband, supporting us. I want my husband and I to know them and to have had them pray for us and our marriage. I want my husband to have looked at St. Joseph and find direction from him in how to be the perfect husband for me and a good dad to our kids. I want to look to Mary and know based on her example how a woman is to serve her husband and family. So often you hear about being a "Proverbs 31 woman" which is all great and dandy, but I want to be like my Blessed Mother.

I wanted my marriage to look like the Holy Marriage of the most Holy Family.

Day Twenty-One: Lifting Me Up

I have been greatly lifted up in the past few days by God. Since my weekend debacle and the harsh feelings of disappointment that followed, I was worried about others in my life. I was worried about those who look up to me and how they would look at me after hearing about my weekend of mistakes. For a few moments, I debated with myself over whether or not I would share that I had screwed up and that I had failed to the point of falling asleep and staying the night with my ex who I had originally been so happy to no longer be in a relationship with.

I told everyone of my joy with my project and my year of God. I was honestly so happy about the changes happening in my life. How could others believe I was being serious and wanted to take this year off if even I couldn't believe I had made such a stupid mistake and had fallen so far?

I was worried about the judgements of others, but I soon realized I shouldn't have been. I was sent words of encouragement, bible verses, and nothing but words of love.

The people I had been sharing this with were all God serving individuals. They knew the value of what I wanted to do. They knew how easily it was to fall into sin as I had. They knew the feelings, pains, and torments found in our hearts when we allow sin in.

These words from these people indicated to me that I was doing something right. I had started to put the right people in my life. The right people who loved God like me.

I am really excited to return to school this coming May. I want to strengthen these friendships. I want to get involved in Christian activities on campus. I will openly admit here that I allowed Catholic prejudice to keep me from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. By closing myself off from them, I was hurting only myself and then came the feelings of loneliness. My friends don't get it. But the few I have shared this do and they understand more of what is happening in life than even some of my closest friends. So Newman Center and DRL, here I come! We are all one family under God. Protestant or Catholic, we both love God.

I am embarrassed of my proud Catholic sentiments and I know it is something I need to work on. I want to show others that Catholics aren't like we are perceived. I want so badly to change people's views and I think this is a solid first step. I need to be surrounded by people who lift me up and look to God's Kingdom versus this world. On my campus, I give DRL major credit. I haven't been to any of their events and it's my biggest regret of my Freshman year. They all seem amazing and show that college students really know what God wants from us. It shows that our youth means nothing and we can still give to the world. I can only imagine the friendships I missed out on. I was so proud and stupid! No more!

So this post is dedicated to all of you who helped me when I needed it most. Who gave me that feeling that I was better than my sin. Who helped me see that our screw-ups don't define us, but we are defined as children of God who were saved when He made the ultimate sacrifice. I have seen lately what a few godly friendships can do and I want more. I want to be surrounded by other Christians. I want all of my bridesmaids one day to be the girls that helped me keep my eye on Christ. I want friendships that not only lift me up, but lift me up to Him. Thanks to all of you who have been doing that. I truly appreciate it.

Day Twenty: Choosing Peace

“If anything or anyone distresses you, think how you’ll feel a week - a month - a year later. If you can imagine yourself being happy and peaceful then, why waste all that time? Be happy and peaceful now.”

- Swami Kriyananda

Firstly, and I warn you this is completely irrelevant, since I don't do much typing other than with this blog, I have realized that every time I go to write "him" or "he," I am always capitalizing it. Some of the sentences have quite a different meaning when I am suddenly discussing God! Haha! It's probably not actually that funny, but I am in my room cracking up whenever it happens. But I digress...

Lately, I've been really down and, to be honest, outright miserable. In the moments where I praying and focusing on God, there is joy and peace, but then I leave the prayer feeling refreshed and it's like my life was just sitting there. Waiting. And then it smacks me and brings me down again.

It is so difficult to go from such independence in college to needing to tell your mom you are heading to Jewel to grab an avocado for your dinner. Every. Single. Day. It's been really rough on me. I was always a very independent person, but my life right now...well it sucks. A lot.

As crazy as it sounds, I was much happier in the hospital. People there were happy. It didn't matter if they were faking it. They tricked me. People who came to visit always wore smiles. No one could complain about their day to the girl sitting in the hospital bed. To other people, their problems didn't compare to mine so they had to wear a smile and keep me perked up. 

At home and back in the real world, I am surrounded by misery. I was strong in the beginning, but now it's caught up to me. I am stuck everyday in an environment I can't stand. I deal with people who are miserable and talk about how everything sucks and how bad their lives are. It's exhausting. I get home and I don't even have it in me to make a meal. Today, I will starve for lunch because I couldn't bring myself to make something.

God has been my only light when I'm home. Him and His love keep me going and bring those sad last few smiles to my face. I have really been struggling with joy in the last week or so. He gives me that joy.

I've always been a believer that you can choose to be happy or you can choose not to. I still believe it. The thing I never considered is that different situations can make it either easier or harder to be happy. When life is going your way and you're finishing up school with a great degree from a great college and you just got engaged and you have a wonderful job lined up for you and your family is so happy and supportive, then yeah. It's easy to be happy. When nothing seems to be going your way and you're stressed and things keep falling through and friends don't stand by your side and your family is doing nothing but making everything that much worse, it's suddenly not as easy anymore.

This is just one of the many reasons I need to give myself completely to God. If my life is filled with God, I will feel that sense of joy again. Not constantly, of course, since we need to struggle sometimes and we need to prove to Him that we are still choosing Him above our situation. I need Him because I know He is love and love is good. The good brings joys. I need more good in my life. I need to figure out what God is telling me I need to do in my life and the path I need to follow. That path is one of joy if you keep your eyes on the Lord. 

I'm choosing to be happy. I'm done being sad and miserable. I am sick of it. I will be happy again. It starts now.

Day Nineteen: Disappointment

"If, devout soul, it is your will to please God and live a life of serenity in this world, unite yourself always and in all things to the divine will. Reflect that all the sins of your past wicked life happened because you wandered from the path of God's will. For the future, embrace God's good pleasure and say to him in every happening: "Yea, Father, for so it hath seemed good in thy sight." 

- St Alphonsus de Liguori

I said my confession. I truthfully meant it. I was forgiven. God still loves me.

But I hurt Him. And knowing that is killing me.

I chose to get distracted by emotion and pleasure. I chose to shove God to the back of my mind. I chose to let the enemy win. 

And even after everything, I was still letting him win. I let my heart turn to anger. I was mad at my ex. I wanted to get back together with him. I didn't want to get back together with him. I wanted him to tell me he would wait for me and he'd be ready for me next time. I wanted him to tell me he'd be preparing himself for me and would be waiting with a ring when I finished my dating fast on March 21st. I wanted him to move on and leave me behind. I wanted him to tell me I was the only one he would ever care for. I wanted him to tell me he wasn't going to wait around for me and that he was letting me go because I didn't matter to him that much anymore.

I was so conflicted about my feelings that I took it out on him and blamed him for everything. I blamed him for my hurts, pains, and tears. I blamed him for it all. That was how the enemy kept winning.

Mean words and gossip don't do anything good. I sat around all day stewing in anger and sadness. I'd cry, then get mad, then cry some more. I was furious with him one minute and then ready to beg him to let us get back together again. It ended up being an awful day, but the devil was laughing. He had won.

I have always been horrid at entrusting my future to God when it comes to guys in my life. It was easier for me to let God take the wheel with a heart transplant than it is now to let Him take the wheel of my heart. 

Why is that? Why do we do that? I mean my goodness! I feel so silly when I think about it! God's plan for me is INFINITELY better than my plan for myself. If I had stuck with God and His plan this weekend, I would not be crying! I would not be hurt! I would not have reopened such a painful wound! St. John Vianney said it best when he said, "I tell you that you have less to suffer in following the cross than in serving the world and its pleasures."

I stuck with God throughout my transplant. I was joyous when I stuck with Him and entrusted my life and future to Him. On days when things got to me, I noticed myself putting God on the backburner of my mind. It's easy to trust God when you're in a hospital. You're stuck there. There is nowhere for you to go. Nothing for you to do. Everyone around you smiles and is happy because you're a patient in a hospital and your life is sad and you're the worst case scenario people are talking about when they say "it could always be worse." In the hospital, you have two options. Total depression and lack of trust in the Lord  or total trust in Him and joy.

It was easy to choose Him and joy. In the real world, there are a lot more negative influences. Sinful people, tempting situations, the freedom to go do sinful things. When you're in the hospital, everyone tells you it is going to be ok. There is one path for you to follow. I waited for my heart transplant. That was it. There were no ways around it. That was that. I couldn't leave. I couldn't fix my heart. I couldn't do anything but wait. In the real world, you have options and choices. You have different people telling you different things. You have your mom telling you to stick it out. You have your best friend telling you to drop him. You have your heart pulling in so many different directions that you can't even tell when it's God pulling and when it's you anymore.

I'm so distraught over everything now. I've been distracted. I need to refocus on God. I need to forgive myself. I need to realign myself back with His plan. His wonderful, beautiful, glorious plan. My ex may one day be a part of that plan. He wants to change. He wants to improve himself before pursuing another relationship, just like me. We both said we'd look at our relationship again in the future after we worked on ourselves. I am praying for him everyday that he comes closer to God and returns to that great guy he once was. Please join me in praying for him. Please pray for me, that I may stick with God's plan for me. I'm not screwing up this time.

Days Seventeen and Eighteen: Giving Into the Enemy

I have to say, I haven't been this disappointed in myself in a very very VERY long time. I've been scared to write this post because of it, but I promised to be honest and share not just my victories, but my failures too.

Well. I failed. I failed hard.

Saturday night around 2am (I had a priest once say nothing good ever happens after midnight and he is SO RIGHT), I picked up my drunk ex-boyfriend and we headed to his place.

And I caved.

I fell for his "I still love you"s and "I knew we'd get back together"s and "I have missed you so much"s. We were up until 6am and then we fell asleep together. We spent the whole day together and I didn't leave until 6pm.

We decided to work on ourselves and then revisit a relationship. But here's the thing....uhhhh no.

I'm not waiting for him.

Within minutes of being with him, I forgot Him. A guy who isn't leading me to Christ is most certainly not worth my time or energy and my goodness above all no one is worth me sacrificing part of my relationship with God.

He's not the guy I once thought he was. It's amazing how clouded your head can get when you fall for someone. It's amazing how wrong you can be about a person. This taught me so much. It especially taught me so much about him. And he is absolutely not the one for me.

I believe in change and I will continue to pray that one day he does, but this chapter is closed for good. I'm not waiting for someone like him. I'm waiting for the guy that God has placed on Earth for me. He is better than I could have imagined.

I immediately went to confession after mass that night. I was so horrified at myself and my actions. I am trying to forgive myself as God has already done. I was reminded of the truest love from Him. I was reminded that in love, you would do anything for the person you love. Jesus died on the cross for me. He gave it all so I could be with Him in Heaven one day. He took on all of my sins because He loved me.

God is the ultimate example of love. I am looking to Him to know what love truly is from now on. It's not just about feelings. It's about God's will and actions backing your words. If you love someone, go and truly love them. Bring them to Heaven. Encourage godly behaviors. Pray for them. Be the best person for them. Show them constantly that you love them. 

I am attempting to lessen the disappointment I have in myself and the overall anger towards myself so I'm sorry if this doesn't seem like I realized my own part in this. I am disgusted by myself and my actions, but it has helped me to once again see that what I am doing with this fast is right and true. I was tested and I gave into the Enemy. He knows the good this fast is doing. He hates it. I am doing something right. Next time he tempts me, I am choosing God. I am saying no. 

I won't give in. I am God's.

UPDATE 4/17: This post was edited as some of my words towards my ex took a very unloving and near gossipy turn. I apologize.

Day Sixteen: A New Home

I found home. I really did.

I went to the Newman Center and it hit me.

This is home.

We did an evening prayer (which I haven't done in forever) and it was so beautiful. It's so neat to see a bunch of college students come together in prayer to God. On a Friday night, nonetheless. Wow.

I don't have friends at school like that. I really don't. I don't know anyone who would trade in their Friday night and give it to God. I have no friends like that, but I just found a family.

Everything clicked in the best possible way. I laughed as we discussed our favorite saints. I got excited when Sister Clara and I both talked about our confirmation saint St. Maria Goretti and how AMAZING she is (which, by the way, if you don't know who she is, look her up. She is for realzzzz a boss and only at the age of 11). I sat in front of the tabernacle with others who showed the same appreciation and reverence for the one before us.

I wasn't involved a lot in Newman, but once I am back on campus, I want to be. I want to make it a huge part of my social life and where I spend my time.

There is something called the Law of Exposure. Basically, what surrounds you affects you whether you like to believe it or not. Your environment can affect your mood, your choices, and your thoughts.

A Catholic Newman Center with likeminded Catholic college students is just what I need. No one talks about getting hammered over the weekend. No one talks about all the hook-ups they've had. I don't see butts or boobs falling out of clothes at the Newman Center. These students get me. They understand. They struggle my struggles.

I really need this environment in the next year especially. Being in that environment will encourage me to become a better follower of Christ and Catholic. I'll be able to come back to my campus and not be swayed in my faith. I'll be able to evangelize and show God to those in my sorority house and those I encounter in classes and on campus. I need to solidify God in my heart in order to bring Him to theirs.

Being in a Catholic environment will affect me in ways I won't even notice at first. I'll be exposed to godly music. I'll be surrounded by prayerful people. I will spend more time, most importantly, in front of the Eucharist. This will change my life for the better.

I am really excited for May when I'll be back on campus and can head to the Newman Center more. I can't wait to start meeting more people like me and finding where I belong. Finally, the family I've been looking for.

Day Fifteen: The Vocation Everyone Forgets About

I am going to be completely honest with everyone and admit right here that I, Colleen Gleason, never discerned my vocation. I just assumed. I made a few half-hearted "God tell me my vocation. Yeah I like kids and want to run my home. Ok cool. Marriage it is. Thanks" prayers, but I never really listened for His answer. Instead, I let the images of my Martha Stewart-esque home filled with adorable vegan school lunches, color coded calendars, and reading stories about God to my six adopted children while they snuggled into the arms of my husband and me take over. I never let God share His image of my future. I was too in love with my own.

My former boyfriend and I thought we were getting married. No, we knew we were getting married. We knew we were going to have kids. We just knew that's what God wanted for us. How did we know all of this? Not by prayer (because that is just a crazy thought and who would do that?) and not by talking with a priest or spiritual director. We just knew because we fit well together and got along. We were in love and didn't see it ending (pause for irony) so we began to plan a future without consulting the One in charge of our futures. We never asked God how our future was going to look. We had assumed the vocation of marriage because it just felt good to be with someone and we both wanted that for the rest of our lives. We assumed it because we had both been brought up in a society that tells you marriage is the way to go. It has always been expected of me that I would head off to school, find a fab guy, get married, and start having children.

There is nothing wrong with marriage and I still believe it is likely to be my vocation (heck, I am HOPING with all my heart it is). But I need to ok marriage in my life with God first. I need to entrust in Him that it is my calling to be a wife and mother. Through a lot of the reading that I have been doing lately, I have been opened up a bit more to the world of consecrated single living. The more I read about it, the more I can see it working in my life and I have started to slowly open my heart to the possibility of it being my vocation.

And I am absolutely terrified.

I am so scared it's my vocation. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I am. It goes against all the plans I have ever had for myself. It is against all my dreams. It is uncharted territory for me. The vocation of consecrated single life isn't talked about enough. The discernment process is so often seen in terms of marriage or religious life. Those are both super important, don't get me wrong, but don't forget  the last vocation.

I think there is a lot of unseen beauty in those living out a consecrated single life. They are the people of the laity who live with little recognition for the commitment they have given to God. I think it's a really neat vocation. Have you noticed how significantly easier it is to live out your faith while you're sitting in your bible study over sitting at a lunch table with friends? For those in the consecrated single life, they aren't in a convent. They are literally surrounded by the world we know lives to put them down. Amazing. Such strength.

I don't know where God is taking me in my life, but I do know I just need to trust it. It's time I think seriously about my future and what God wants for me. It's terrifying going into this, but I have God who is able to get me through anything and will help me to come out on top. Single or married, I know the life I will end up giving Him will be all a part of His masterful plan.

Day Fourteen: What You Gain

Ok so I kind of have this new awesome friend. For his sake, we'll call him Anakin (because I love little boy Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars and I secretly adore that name, but also know if I ever named my child that, they would be a fuh-reak for life so in protecting my friend's identity online, I find freedom to name him Anakin [that was all useless, I know]). Anyway, Anakin is doing a dating fast too and we were talking a bit about it. He said something that touched on a topic we had discussed in an earlier discussion. It went something like this, "doing a dating fast isn't about saying no to dating or flirting. It's about saying yes to God!"

Ummmmm heck yeah it is! This fast has shown me how to give my attention to God only. It's about giving everything to Him. I am keeping my heart for Him and giving it completely. I am giving God all my love. I am not saying no to things. I am saying yes to the right things for me right now.

I would always meet a guy and immediately try and figure out if he had "potential." I am guilty of somehow sneaking in the following questions into conversation after meeting a guy:

Question: "Oh so what are you studying? What do you want to do with that?"
Translation: How bright is your future and will it be able to handle the shopping sprees I hope to go on in the future? I want my children to look adorable at all times and I want like twelve kids so can you guarantee we'd be financially secure? Can you afford the best medical insurance for me and the children with mental disabilities I want to adopt?

Question: "Some comment on Catholicism."
Translation: I'm waiting for you to understand my reference to the Paschal Triidum. This is a test. You better be the bestest Catholic everrrrrr (because I am, right? [that was a sarcastic stab at myself just so everyone understands that I know I sooooo am not]) because I'm not going to date anyone less than a saint (same thing).

Question: "Do you like Harry Potter?"
Translation: Not needed. Deal breaker. Obviously.

Question: "How are you?"
Translation: If you say "good" and not "well," then I know you may not be the most intellectually inclined person. I'm a grammar freak. Don't even get me started by saying "I could care less..."

Soooooo is anyone else besides me disgusted with myself for doing this? This is what I would do way back when I was single. This was my pride coming out. This was me not caring for the person, but instead only for myself.

With this project, I don't think of it as giving up flirting and the behaviors I just described. I think of it as gaining something more. I think of it as gaining good friendships. I think of it as a way for God to lead me to godly people and cultivate friendships with them. I am gaining so much by giving up a little.

Instead of treating guys like nothing more but potential husbands and using them, I am choosing to respect them as human beings and my brothers in Christ. It sounds ridiculous, but I really don't know how to do that because I have always focused on marriage potentials in guys. By focusing on how to be friends with guys, I have started to learn how to be a better friend to the ladies in my life.

Better friendships is only one example of what I am gaining from God by giving up dating. By bringing my focus to God, I am being opened up to my future. I am being shown His path for me more clearly. Most importantly, I am gaining a much closer relationship with my Almighty Father. The graces and love that overflow from that make everything worth it.

I'm saying no to the world and a mighty YES to God and His Heavenly Kingdom.

P.S. It's already been two weeks. Whoa.

Day Thirteen: Awe

Awesome. Awe-inspiring. Awe is the perfect word to describe how I am feel when I am struck by the beauty of God's creation when I take a moment to really look around and soak in the things He has created.

Tonight it hit me as I was driving home from work. These pictures don't do God's work justice, but just wow.

This is the view I was so blessed to have as I drove home. Wow. I was engulfed in God's masterpiece.

I was in complete awe of the world God had created for you and me. Think of all the colors He put into the sky. Think of the shades of pink and purple on the clouds. The blues in the shadows. The oranges of the light. That's just the sky. On the ground, we see vibrant greens emerge as it fights the frigid air. Spring flowers sprout and we look on as bright colors come forth from the ground. Even the brown of the dirt and soil looks a little bit better when you look on and consider it a work of God's.

It's amazing all that God has made. Have you ever taken a moment to really consider everything? The complexities of the human anatomy and mind. The interacting of different elements that combine to give us important compounds like water and salt (here I fully admit that "compounds" may not be the word and my last shred of regard for the sciences is not concerned with correcting it) which we need to survive.

God made a masterpiece and we're all living it. We are part of that masterpiece.

Looking around, you can really see all He has made and that it is good (see the first chapter of Genesis [no but really. Like all of it]). Look at His creations. Look at yourself. Look at technology. Look at medical advances God gave to the world through His gift of wisdom to our doctors, surgeons, and scientists. Look at something as simple as your hand. Think of each tendon, blood vessel and vein, fingernail, skin cell, and hair follicle. Each has its own distinct purpose and use to make up your hand. God created each of those. God specifically picked out the pigment found in your skin cells, the blood type of each blood cell, and the genetic make-up of every cell in between.

I should be awe-struck by His creation in everything and in every moment, not just the pretty sunsets. Heck, all of us should be able to look into a mirror and stare at the wonders God has put together to create you. You were so perfectly made by Him. Like dang. You're a work of God's art.

But above all things in this world, above you and me, above all other things, what we should stare most at in awe is the Body and Blood of the Lord.

Have you ever watched, and I mean really watched, a priest consecrate the bread and wine into Jesus Christ? He is so in love. The other day, I believe at Holy Thursday mass, I watched my priest closely and caught him staring, just staring so lovingly at the Eucharist. I just died. His look was a look of such love and awe. He was completely awe-stricken at his God. I want to be in awe of Him like that. As my priest stared into his hands which were cradling the Body of Christ, I realized how much I wanted to love Jesus like that.

I am in awe of all God has done. All He has created. All the work He has done. All the work He has done through me and others. I could just sit here, gaping mouth and all, and think of the countless things in my life that He did. I am in awe of the Lord and His amazing love. I am in awe of His sacrifice for me. Words can't even describe my feelings.

I am just simply in awe of Him

Day Twelve: What's Your Life Goal?

First of all, before I begin, EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH BASICALLY THE CUTEST, MOST PRECIOUS VIDEO I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!

Yes. That is the cutest little three-year-old named Isaiah (a name I absolutely LOVE, but that may or may not be because it's one of my favorite books in the Bible if not number one) "saying mass." All my feels guys. All my feels.

Ok so now that everyone is ready to ditch their discernment, give into their mommy/daddy feels, and become parents and have their children play religious life, let's get to the good stuff. Oh. And don't ditch your discernment. ;)

College is a time where people are constantly (and, in my case, typically condescendingly) asking you what you are going to do with your major (because people who barely know what sociology is TOTALLY know what the job prospects look like for Sociology majors out of college, right? [sorry for the sass]), what you want to do with your life, and what your goals are.

I listened to this bomb podcast (look them up on iTunes. It's called UMD Newman Catholic Campus Ministry and its his recorded homilies and I listen to them seriously all the time when I am not busy talking about them and how awesome they are) and he talked a bit about it.

Before I continue, if you were to ask me what my life goal was and how I wanted to live out the rest of my life, I'd probably tell you my ultimate goal would be to get to Heaven (obvi) and live the rest of my life as the best Catholic woman I could be, bringing others to Christ alongside me.

Now, nothing is wrong with that at all and I still want that. But the priest in the podcast discussed a friend who said a similar thing. He wanted to be just a good, Catholic guy.

But the thing is, he explained, that's selling ourselves short. That's selling God short. We should want to become saints.

I remember months and months and months ago reading a quote about how you should be striving to be a saint.

I remember thinking yeah nice thought. Maybe I'll know a saint by the tiniest chance of fate. But never me. I'm not going into religious life. I'm probably going to get married and married people are never saints [note: this is false] and goodness knows I sure can't pay attention in mass so yeah. Sainthood ain't gonna be my jam.

Um wow Colleen. Way to believe in yourself and the power of God.

Guys, I could totally be a saint. You could be a saint. One day, people could be requesting me to pray for them (I totally call patron saint of organ transplants and veganism y'all). How amazing!

To become a saint, it takes absolutely nothing less than dedicating your entire life to Jesus Christ. That is exactly what I want to do. Every moment of my life, I want Him to be in my thoughts whether it be actively praying to Him in adoration or in the back of my mind as I am studying for a test. I want every action and word to be God inspired. Can you imagine if everything you did was inspired by God? Can you imagine seeking His counsel on every move you weren't sure how to make? Can you imagine how your whole life would just light on fire? And THEN, guess what? Heaven! Ahhhhh!!!! 

It clicked with me that I could do that. Me. I probably won't have some great martyr story. I probably won't convert a country. Due to medical restrictions, I can't go off to some third world country and save babies (BUT FOR REAL GUYS IF I COULD OH MY GOODNESS...) But I can live the life of the saint and maybe become one some day. If I entrust God with my entire mind, body, and soul, I know I can live a life with Him that is beautiful. I want nothing more to do than His work. I want to give Him nothing less than all of me.

Through this project, that's what I have been starting to be able to do. Give Him all of me. Have you ever had one of those moments where you put God on the backburner and tell Him that His plan has to wait since you're working on yours? Like, "oh sorry God. Can't do the PeaceCorps that You want me to do because that conflicts with my plan of going to law school." I don't want those anymore! I want to trust Him completely and wholly. I do trust Him, but when it comes to showing that trust, I fail and do things "just in case." Really? Just in case God's plan stinks? Is that a joke? My plan is a joke compared to what God's is for me.

I am still making out God's plan for me and I've started to learn patience and what it means to take things one step at a time. One day, I will make Him the everything of my life and I'll be that much closer to becoming a saint and being so close to Him for eternity in His Heavenly Kingdom.

God bless and thanks for your prayers. =]