I am going to be completely honest with everyone and admit right here that I, Colleen Gleason, never discerned my vocation. I just assumed. I made a few half-hearted "God tell me my vocation. Yeah I like kids and want to run my home. Ok cool. Marriage it is. Thanks" prayers, but I never really listened for His answer. Instead, I let the images of my Martha Stewart-esque home filled with adorable vegan school lunches, color coded calendars, and reading stories about God to my six adopted children while they snuggled into the arms of my husband and me take over. I never let God share His image of my future. I was too in love with my own.
My former boyfriend and I thought we were getting married. No, we knew we were getting married. We knew we were going to have kids. We just knew that's what God wanted for us. How did we know all of this? Not by prayer (because that is just a crazy thought and who would do that?) and not by talking with a priest or spiritual director. We just knew because we fit well together and got along. We were in love and didn't see it ending (pause for irony) so we began to plan a future without consulting the One in charge of our futures. We never asked God how our future was going to look. We had assumed the vocation of marriage because it just felt good to be with someone and we both wanted that for the rest of our lives. We assumed it because we had both been brought up in a society that tells you marriage is the way to go. It has always been expected of me that I would head off to school, find a fab guy, get married, and start having children.
There is nothing wrong with marriage and I still believe it is likely to be my vocation (heck, I am HOPING with all my heart it is). But I need to ok marriage in my life with God first. I need to entrust in Him that it is my calling to be a wife and mother. Through a lot of the reading that I have been doing lately, I have been opened up a bit more to the world of consecrated single living. The more I read about it, the more I can see it working in my life and I have started to slowly open my heart to the possibility of it being my vocation.
And I am absolutely terrified.
I am so scared it's my vocation. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I am. It goes against all the plans I have ever had for myself. It is against all my dreams. It is uncharted territory for me. The vocation of consecrated single life isn't talked about enough. The discernment process is so often seen in terms of marriage or religious life. Those are both super important, don't get me wrong, but don't forget the last vocation.
I think there is a lot of unseen beauty in those living out a consecrated single life. They are the people of the laity who live with little recognition for the commitment they have given to God. I think it's a really neat vocation. Have you noticed how significantly easier it is to live out your faith while you're sitting in your bible study over sitting at a lunch table with friends? For those in the consecrated single life, they aren't in a convent. They are literally surrounded by the world we know lives to put them down. Amazing. Such strength.
I don't know where God is taking me in my life, but I do know I just need to trust it. It's time I think seriously about my future and what God wants for me. It's terrifying going into this, but I have God who is able to get me through anything and will help me to come out on top. Single or married, I know the life I will end up giving Him will be all a part of His masterful plan.
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