"If, devout soul, it is your will to please God and live a life of serenity in this world, unite yourself always and in all things to the divine will. Reflect that all the sins of your past wicked life happened because you wandered from the path of God's will. For the future, embrace God's good pleasure and say to him in every happening: "Yea, Father, for so it hath seemed good in thy sight."
- St Alphonsus de Liguori
But I hurt Him. And knowing that is killing me.
I chose to get distracted by emotion and pleasure. I chose to shove God to the back of my mind. I chose to let the enemy win.
And even after everything, I was still letting him win. I let my heart turn to anger. I was mad at my ex. I wanted to get back together with him. I didn't want to get back together with him. I wanted him to tell me he would wait for me and he'd be ready for me next time. I wanted him to tell me he'd be preparing himself for me and would be waiting with a ring when I finished my dating fast on March 21st. I wanted him to move on and leave me behind. I wanted him to tell me I was the only one he would ever care for. I wanted him to tell me he wasn't going to wait around for me and that he was letting me go because I didn't matter to him that much anymore.
I was so conflicted about my feelings that I took it out on him and blamed him for everything. I blamed him for my hurts, pains, and tears. I blamed him for it all. That was how the enemy kept winning.
Mean words and gossip don't do anything good. I sat around all day stewing in anger and sadness. I'd cry, then get mad, then cry some more. I was furious with him one minute and then ready to beg him to let us get back together again. It ended up being an awful day, but the devil was laughing. He had won.
I have always been horrid at entrusting my future to God when it comes to guys in my life. It was easier for me to let God take the wheel with a heart transplant than it is now to let Him take the wheel of my heart.
Why is that? Why do we do that? I mean my goodness! I feel so silly when I think about it! God's plan for me is INFINITELY better than my plan for myself. If I had stuck with God and His plan this weekend, I would not be crying! I would not be hurt! I would not have reopened such a painful wound! St. John Vianney said it best when he said, "I tell you that you have less to suffer in following the cross than in serving the world and its pleasures."
I stuck with God throughout my transplant. I was joyous when I stuck with Him and entrusted my life and future to Him. On days when things got to me, I noticed myself putting God on the backburner of my mind. It's easy to trust God when you're in a hospital. You're stuck there. There is nowhere for you to go. Nothing for you to do. Everyone around you smiles and is happy because you're a patient in a hospital and your life is sad and you're the worst case scenario people are talking about when they say "it could always be worse." In the hospital, you have two options. Total depression and lack of trust in the Lord or total trust in Him and joy.
It was easy to choose Him and joy. In the real world, there are a lot more negative influences. Sinful people, tempting situations, the freedom to go do sinful things. When you're in the hospital, everyone tells you it is going to be ok. There is one path for you to follow. I waited for my heart transplant. That was it. There were no ways around it. That was that. I couldn't leave. I couldn't fix my heart. I couldn't do anything but wait. In the real world, you have options and choices. You have different people telling you different things. You have your mom telling you to stick it out. You have your best friend telling you to drop him. You have your heart pulling in so many different directions that you can't even tell when it's God pulling and when it's you anymore.
I'm so distraught over everything now. I've been distracted. I need to refocus on God. I need to forgive myself. I need to realign myself back with His plan. His wonderful, beautiful, glorious plan. My ex may one day be a part of that plan. He wants to change. He wants to improve himself before pursuing another relationship, just like me. We both said we'd look at our relationship again in the future after we worked on ourselves. I am praying for him everyday that he comes closer to God and returns to that great guy he once was. Please join me in praying for him. Please pray for me, that I may stick with God's plan for me. I'm not screwing up this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment