“If anything or anyone distresses you, think how you’ll feel a week - a month - a year later. If you can imagine yourself being happy and peaceful then, why waste all that time? Be happy and peaceful now.”
- Swami Kriyananda
Firstly, and I warn you this is completely irrelevant, since I don't do much typing other than with this blog, I have realized that every time I go to write "him" or "he," I am always capitalizing it. Some of the sentences have quite a different meaning when I am suddenly discussing God! Haha! It's probably not actually that funny, but I am in my room cracking up whenever it happens. But I digress...
Lately, I've been really down and, to be honest, outright miserable. In the moments where I praying and focusing on God, there is joy and peace, but then I leave the prayer feeling refreshed and it's like my life was just sitting there. Waiting. And then it smacks me and brings me down again.
It is so difficult to go from such independence in college to needing to tell your mom you are heading to Jewel to grab an avocado for your dinner. Every. Single. Day. It's been really rough on me. I was always a very independent person, but my life right now...well it sucks. A lot.
As crazy as it sounds, I was much happier in the hospital. People there were happy. It didn't matter if they were faking it. They tricked me. People who came to visit always wore smiles. No one could complain about their day to the girl sitting in the hospital bed. To other people, their problems didn't compare to mine so they had to wear a smile and keep me perked up.
At home and back in the real world, I am surrounded by misery. I was strong in the beginning, but now it's caught up to me. I am stuck everyday in an environment I can't stand. I deal with people who are miserable and talk about how everything sucks and how bad their lives are. It's exhausting. I get home and I don't even have it in me to make a meal. Today, I will starve for lunch because I couldn't bring myself to make something.
God has been my only light when I'm home. Him and His love keep me going and bring those sad last few smiles to my face. I have really been struggling with joy in the last week or so. He gives me that joy.
I've always been a believer that you can choose to be happy or you can choose not to. I still believe it. The thing I never considered is that different situations can make it either easier or harder to be happy. When life is going your way and you're finishing up school with a great degree from a great college and you just got engaged and you have a wonderful job lined up for you and your family is so happy and supportive, then yeah. It's easy to be happy. When nothing seems to be going your way and you're stressed and things keep falling through and friends don't stand by your side and your family is doing nothing but making everything that much worse, it's suddenly not as easy anymore.
This is just one of the many reasons I need to give myself completely to God. If my life is filled with God, I will feel that sense of joy again. Not constantly, of course, since we need to struggle sometimes and we need to prove to Him that we are still choosing Him above our situation. I need Him because I know He is love and love is good. The good brings joys. I need more good in my life. I need to figure out what God is telling me I need to do in my life and the path I need to follow. That path is one of joy if you keep your eyes on the Lord.
I'm choosing to be happy. I'm done being sad and miserable. I am sick of it. I will be happy again. It starts now.
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