I have to say, I haven't been this disappointed in myself in a very very VERY long time. I've been scared to write this post because of it, but I promised to be honest and share not just my victories, but my failures too.
Well. I failed. I failed hard.
Saturday night around 2am (I had a priest once say nothing good ever happens after midnight and he is SO RIGHT), I picked up my drunk ex-boyfriend and we headed to his place.
And I caved.
I fell for his "I still love you"s and "I knew we'd get back together"s and "I have missed you so much"s. We were up until 6am and then we fell asleep together. We spent the whole day together and I didn't leave until 6pm.
We decided to work on ourselves and then revisit a relationship. But here's the thing....uhhhh no.
I'm not waiting for him.
Within minutes of being with him, I forgot Him. A guy who isn't leading me to Christ is most certainly not worth my time or energy and my goodness above all no one is worth me sacrificing part of my relationship with God.
He's not the guy I once thought he was. It's amazing how clouded your head can get when you fall for someone. It's amazing how wrong you can be about a person. This taught me so much. It especially taught me so much about him. And he is absolutely not the one for me.
I believe in change and I will continue to pray that one day he does, but this chapter is closed for good. I'm not waiting for someone like him. I'm waiting for the guy that God has placed on Earth for me. He is better than I could have imagined.
I immediately went to confession after mass that night. I was so horrified at myself and my actions. I am trying to forgive myself as God has already done. I was reminded of the truest love from Him. I was reminded that in love, you would do anything for the person you love. Jesus died on the cross for me. He gave it all so I could be with Him in Heaven one day. He took on all of my sins because He loved me.
God is the ultimate example of love. I am looking to Him to know what love truly is from now on. It's not just about feelings. It's about God's will and actions backing your words. If you love someone, go and truly love them. Bring them to Heaven. Encourage godly behaviors. Pray for them. Be the best person for them. Show them constantly that you love them.
I am attempting to lessen the disappointment I have in myself and the overall anger towards myself so I'm sorry if this doesn't seem like I realized my own part in this. I am disgusted by myself and my actions, but it has helped me to once again see that what I am doing with this fast is right and true. I was tested and I gave into the Enemy. He knows the good this fast is doing. He hates it. I am doing something right. Next time he tempts me, I am choosing God. I am saying no.
I won't give in. I am God's.
UPDATE 4/17: This post was edited as some of my words towards my ex took a very unloving and near gossipy turn. I apologize.
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