"Every time we give in to selfishness and say 'no' to God, we spoil his loving plan for us." - Pope Francis
Embarrassment.
Disappointment.
Loss of respect for self.
For the past few weeks, this is all I have felt. And it's not a pretty sight.
I feel like everyone has that one sin they just fall into again and again and again. That one sin they feel like is always said, with embarrassment, at confession. The one sin that, after the fact, you just can't BELIEVE after all the praying and promising and motivating you have done to yourself, that you STILL fell into that sin.
My sin comes in the form of a guy and it takes place when we're alone.
Even though I know it's wrong and I promise myself again and again and again that it won't happen again, suddenly before I even knew what happened, I'm back in his arms again. And even though every moment I am with him, there is a voice screaming, "Stop stop stop! You're the girl you warn others to not be! Where is your respect for yourself? God intended you for more than this! Think of your husband! Think of the woman this guy will eventually marry! It's not worth it! It's not worth it! You just went to confession yesterday! No no no!"
I know it's wrong. I know it hurts God. I know it hurts me. I know it hurts others.
But I still do it. Why?
Because I'm selfish. I'm a brat. I want a moment's pleasure because it feels good. I want to be cuddled and kissed because it feels good. I want to hear the empty echos of "I love you" and "you're so beautiful" because it makes me feel good.
But if all of that feels so good, why am I so unhappy all of the time now?
Because this was never God's plan for me. Like Pope Francis said, by choosing selfishness and saying no to God, I am spoiling His plan for me. I am running off His path He set out for me. His path is one of religious persecution, hardships, and good ol' "Catholic guilt," but it's also one of joy. Complete and utter joy. His path leads to Heaven. When you're on His path to Heaven, no matter what you are going through, if you know you have God, that you're doing God's will, and that you're on His path, joy comes to you. You have nothing to fear. This is no fear in death for those that follow the Lord.
In the past month, I have skipped mass. A lot. Like the whole month. I haven't missed mass (other than in the hospital of course)...well I can't even remember the last time I missed mass. But I do remember a rough point in high school when I missed mass three weeks in a row and it just killed me. I didn't realize it, but it did. I still remember which priest I talked to in confession about it and the words he shared. Mass brings Jesus to you. He is literally there calling out to you to come and receive Him. It hurt me and it hurt my soul to refuse such an amazing gift.
Yesterday, I finally went to confession (I had been to confession a week earlier, but FORGOT to mention missing mass...like what the heck?). Father shared with me Psalm 103. It's about God's divine mercy and love for us. It was perfect and what I needed to read. I want to read it every day and focus on forgiving myself with knowing God has forgiven me. I want to become the person that God knows I can be. I want to be the devout Catholic I used to be. I want to be that person many people (God bless them) see me as. I want to be happy again, but that happiness is only found when I am not constantly under the weight of terrible sin.
I am starting over. I know I'm still going to fall sometimes. I still going to mess up. But I know that God will always be there to catch me, but I need to start stopping myself from running off the cliff before He has to.
I can't cuddle with God (I mean...I guess I could take the monstrance with the Eucharist off the podium during adoration and cuddle with it...but that's frowned upon...by like everyone...because of reasons). He can't hug me when I'm down. He can't wipe the tears off my face. But He can give me something even better than no one in this world ever could: peace, calm, joy, and eternal life with Him in Heaven. No guy in this world, even my husband, will be able to give me all of that like God can.
So I'm choosing His loving plan for me. I am choosing to not be selfish anymore.
Time to stop choosing Colleen and run back to God's open, waiting arms.
UPDATE: This really is a great psalm so here is Psalm 103. =]
1Of David.
I
Bless the LORD, my soul;
all my being, bless his holy name!
2Bless the LORD, my soul;
and do not forget all his gifts,
3Who pardons all your sins,
and heals all your ills,
4Who redeems your life from the pit,a
and crowns you with mercy and compassion,
5Who fills your days with good things,
so your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.*
II
6The LORD does righteous deeds,
brings justice to all the oppressed.b
7He made known his ways to Moses,
to the Israelites his deeds.
8Merciful and gracious is the LORD,
slow to anger, abounding in mercy.c
9He will not always accuse,
and nurses no lasting anger;
10He has not dealt with us as our sins merit,
nor requited us as our wrongs deserve.
III
11For as the heavens tower over the earth,
so his mercy towers over those who fear him.d
12As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our sins from us.
13As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him.
14For he knows how we are formed,
remembers that we are dust.e
15As for man, his days are like the grass;
he blossoms like a flower in the field.f
16A wind sweeps over it and it is gone;
its place knows it no more.
17But the LORD’s mercy is from age to age,
toward those who fear him.
His salvation is for the children’s children
18of those who keep his covenant,
and remember to carry out his precepts.
IV
19The LORD has set his throne in heaven;
his dominion extends over all.
20Bless the LORD, all you his angels,g
mighty in strength, acting at his behest,
obedient to his command.
21Bless the LORD, all you his hosts,
his ministers who carry out his will.
22Bless the LORD, all his creatures,
everywhere in his domain.
Bless the LORD, my soul!
