Day One Hundred Eleven: Nothing's Bigger Than Love

Ok so I admit that I really can't stand the Youtube videos with the lyrics and the weird graphics and fonts (I mean really just look at that), but I love this song and it's been stuck in my head all day because of things surrounding love that have been roaming through my brain.

It's called "Nothing's Bigger Than Love" by My Favorite Highway (they split up and, since they were basically my favorite band, consequently broke my angsty 17-year-old heart but anyway...)

So anyway. Love. What is it? How do you know you're in love? What do people mean when they say God is love? How is real love different from the love that is portrayed in books and on movie screens?

I'm going to mega-trite here and pull a definition straight out of the Word of God. If you've never heard this, I have no idea where you've been since the Catholic Church put the Bible together:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated,

it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,

it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.

So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13

Today, I was sulking. I admit it. I was resembling that irritating angsty "oh em gee why is it always mehhhh?" 17-year-old I used to be, not the usually bubbly and happy person I am now.

Before I continue, I would like to explain what I do everyday when I nanny. I come in, say goodbye to their mom, open my laptop, say hi to the boys when they wake up, sit on my computer while they watch TV, make lunch (I also admit to completely forgetting about this part of a person's day on Monday and didn't even realize I hadn't made them lunch upon opening up the garbage can to find 7 ice cream sandwich wrappers...oops), return to my computer while they swim or something until their mom comes home. I mean yes I play basketball and will throw them the ball in the pool everyday, but it's not much. I'm not really caring for them. I'm just there to make sure they don't burn down the house, jump out of a window trying to make it into a pool, and, of course, to make sure they are fed so they don't collectively end up eating 7 ice cream sandwiches.

So today, the 10-year-old (we'll call him B) wanted to swim. I was super smart and decided to bring my suit today. Not to swim of course, but to tan while I sat outside watching them swim. His younger brother was at a friend's house and the eldest was playing video games. So I went outside, in my irritated why-are-you-making-me-get-off-the-couch-and-away-from-my-awful-reading-choices (I'm talking about you TFM and TSM articles) state, and grudgingly took my place at the top of the stairs to start tossing him the ball. Finally, at one point, I went to check my phone and it hit me like a ton of bricks: this is not how God wants me to be living. This silly misery. This stupid attitude. This person who was not me.

I was made to love. I needed to return to loving others around me. So I ran into the house, grabbed a towel, and jumped in with him. We ended up having a GREAT time. I had spent the last month complaining about these kids and how horrible I thought they were, but we ended up swimming for a solid two hours and the time flew by. I found joy again. The click was there. God was calling me to love and I was finally figuring it out. I ran home with a smile on my face and gave my mom a hug immediately upon meeting her at the door. I was so blessed and I have been so selfish lately. I have been completely neglecting everyone else in my own self pity. I haven't been loving them. At least not to the extent that God wants from me.

In John Paul II's (PAUSE JUST A SECOND HE IS GOING TO BE A SAINT OH MY GOODNESS AHHHHHHHHHHHHH) Love and Responsibility, he talks about what love is. Love is wanting the good for someone. If I love you, I want what is best for you. I will do what I can to make sure you get the best. That's love.

I need to start showing that love more to everyone. I need to pray for more people. The good and the best is Heaven with God. I love my family and so I want them in Heaven with me so I will try to be a good example and to explain the Word of God. I will pray for them. I will bring them to mass. I can do this with friends too. On Sunday, the priest revealed something interesting. "Did you know that 50% of the people that you ask to attend mass with you will say yes? So what's stopping you from asking?" Well. What is stopping me from asking? I am to love the common man and that love needs to include God who is love Himself.

When it comes to romantic love between a man and a woman, love is good and pure. Have you ever watched a movie and two people supposedly fall in love and you're just sitting there analyzing everything you just saw and wondering what, just WHAT, made them fall in love with each other? Like they were just making out all the time and then, of course, the premarital sex WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS THE ONLY WAY APPARENTLY TO SHOW YOU LOVE A PERSON (am I heavy enough on the sarcasm?) and then the movie ends and you're just like, "I doubt they ever get married. My bet is on it ending in a few months."

That's lust. That's not love. Love isn't always going to be this crazy passionate love like it seems in movies. The honeymoon period will end. Love is still loving and caring for that person when the relationship isn't as new and shiny as it used to be anymore. Love is sticking by someone's side when they are at his/her worst. Love is doing your absolute hardest to make sure you are both standing in front of God in His Heavenly Kingdom one day. Love is putting your pleasures and desires to the side in favor of more godly pleasures. Love is choosing to care for the soul of your loved one instead of your instant gratification.

One day, I will find a guy who will love me like that and I will love him right back. For now, I need to fully love those who are already in my life. This new beginning might end up being as simple as giving the three boys some fruit and a sandwich tomorrow for lunch and jumping into the pool alongside them. They are my brothers through Christ. Christ is in them. I want the good for them. It's about time I show it.

Day One Hundred and Ten: Trust in the Lord

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—

plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope." 

-- Jeremiah 29:11

Today was just one of those days. One of those days where it seems like everything  just keeps finding a way to go wrong.

I found myself hurting, again, over a guy and I cried and couldn't seem to stop. Fear of the future and the unknown just kept getting to me. On top of that, my best friend, very truthfully, pointed out how I had always seemed to be talking about guys and not paying attention to her or her problems.

Bad days are when someone yells at you. Real rough days are when you know they're right and it is all your fault.

My friend got me to thinking about how I have been doing on my dating fast. It seems that I have lost sight of the whole reason behind it. I started this fast so I would bring all of my attention to Him and away from guys. Where has that motivation and focus gone? Where have my thoughts been? Why am I still feeling like a spiritual midget compared to where I used to be?

It all really comes down to trust.

I wish I could wholeheartedly say that I trust God completely and fully, but I know that's not the case. If I were to describe how I feel about my future in one word, the word would be terrified. Absolutely terrified.

Terrified of being alone. Terrified of not making it into my dream law school. Terrified of another transplant and not having my parents' health insurance to cover me. Terrified of losing friends. Terrified of living on my own independently. Terrified of so many things.

Just really terrified.

But that's not at all how it should be. If I have complete trust in the Lord, I should have no worries. I should not feel this pit of discomfort and sadness deep in my heart. But I don't have that complete trust and it's hurting me.

It's funny that I don't, actually. When I was hospitalized and waiting for a new heart, I wasn't worried. I was actually outright joyful. Haha. It is almost INCONCEIVABLE then, that I am so distrusting of the Lord now. Now I know I have been called to serve the Lord through work with victims of rape and sexual assault. I know that. I have been called to it. I knew that I was going to be fine because I knew God still wasn't done with me yet. I knew that God was using me in some way while I was in the hospital to bring others to Him.

But now? It's harder to see what God is leading me to do or who He wants me to touch (if anyone). In the hospital, everything was comfy. I had my boyfriend who was just so gosh darn perfect and we were getting married so I didn't have to worry about anything. I would be taking care of schooling and believed I could make it into any school I wanted. God had a great awesome plan for me and I was so excited for it.

It isn't so comfy anymore. The future is a complete unknown. But that's how it is supposed to be. That's how we learn to put our complete trust in God. The more we plan for our future, the harder it is to hear God telling you how to actually prepare for your future or that He has it under control. I had everything planned. Get married straight out of college, enjoy a summer, head to law school, grab a JD and another Master's degree or PhD (if I make it into Stanford [HAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH OK] a PhD in Sociology, if Loyola, a Master's in Social Work), then practice law until I get pregnant, pop out some kids and adopt 10 more, homeschool until high school, then be a social worker in the mean time to make some extra cash for their college funds. In between, set up a shelter for sex trafficking victims, change legislation in the country on prostitution, and then head off into the sunset with my husband as we travel the world once all our kids are away at school.

That's my plan. God's plan is better. I don't know what it is, but I promise it's better. And if I want His plan, I need to start following Him and completely trusting in Him and His plan.

It is a really difficult thing to do and I'm not the only one that struggles with it. But that's why I started this fast. To focus on God and His plan for me. It's about time I really focused on Him. I need to give Him my all and give Him my trust. When I finally do, I will be able to completely give God my entire life. It will be all His.

I just have to trust Him with it.

This blog is now on Facebook!

Hey all!

Since I sporadically post now since I just don't have the time to do it daily, I felt like an easier way of telling people that I had just posted a new blog post would be to create a Facebook page. I'll update it every time I post and I'll be able to share some really neat articles and things that I've read.

It can easily be found at www.facebook.com/DatingJesusChrist. Feel free to share with your friends.

God bless you all!

In Christ's Love,
Colleen

Day One Hundred and Four: Where Will Your Husband be on Sunday Mornings?

 

A few months back when I was discussing my dating fast and what had happened in my past relationship with Anakin (remember him?) we both came to the conclusion that you can't be in a relationship with someone and bear that whole weight of needing to bring that person to God. You both must already know Him. Things are so much better when you both are already looking towards God.

In my relationship, there were days when it felt like I was pulling teeth to get us to pray together or to stay pure. Near the end of our relationship, we both felt the strain of not being in the same place with God. He didn't find the beauty or necessity in chastity like I did. He didn't want to wait anymore. For me, saving myself for marriage has always been so important to me. It was something we both knew I would absolutely never give in to.

So it ended. And very quickly after, his actions with other girls showed me he had been the wrong choice for a long time. The guy who I had started our relationship, who enjoyed sitting next to me in mass, praying with me, or reading bible verses was gone. The guy who thought that my purity was astonishingly beautiful to find in a person later became the guy who forever leave his dark mark on it. I mean until confession when I was wiped clean, but there is still healing going on from it. Anyway, when that guy emerged, I should have bolted. But the reason I held onto him for so long was because when I looked at him, I still saw my innocent, trying-to-be-more-godly man.

I really think about this when I go to mass. I see so many moms with their kids. I see so many single women with rings on their left ring fingers. And that is so sad to me.

I had a priest who gave a talk on his vocation one year and he actually was engaged to a woman before he discerned the priesthood. Something he said really stuck out to me and I've held onto it in the years since. "One of the most beautiful and wonderful feelings in the world is sitting next to the woman you love worshipping God in Holy mass."

Dang.

With my ex, it was like that. I was always so excited. We were together in front of God. It was wonderful while it lasted. But as wonderful as that was, I know God has someone out there who will really appreciate the mass. Someone who knows what is going on. Someone who is fully aware that Jesus is RIGHT THERE AND YOU GET TO RECEIVE HIM I MEAN WHAT OH MY GOODNESS- sorry. Got a little carried away. HE IS JUST SO AWESOME.

Anyway...

To have someone next to you who understands and who is constantly striving to love God more is amazing. When you find someone like that, you know they are struggling with sin just like you. They are trying to live a good Christian life just like you. They are going to lead you in a Christian marriage and will eventually lead your family. Before marriage, he will want to stay pure. He will be the one suggested perpetual adoration when you're wondering what to do on a Saturday night. He'll be the one to start to lead a prayer before a meal at restaurants and at home. 

And one day, when you have kids or if your kids are all older and they are no longer in your home, you won't be standing there without your husband. You won't have to wrangle the kids into the car by yourself on a Sunday morning. You won't hear the whines of "well Daddy doesn't have to go!"

Best of all, if you both try your absolute hardest together to get the other to Heaven and to lead your children to have very good Catholic lives, you'll meet in Heaven. When one passes, the pain will be small because you know you'll see each other again one day. You won't be worried and terrified for the soul of your loved one. That could possibly be the most painful moment anyone might ever experience.

So find a godly man. One who will go to mass with you. One who will do his absolute best to get you into Heaven. Someone who will sacrifice his urges and desires for the betterment of your soul and his. Find this man. Date this man. Marry this man. And don't let anyone else trick you into thinking he could become this man. If he could, he already would be without your help.