"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—
plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope."
-- Jeremiah 29:11
Today was just one of those days. One of those days where it seems like everything just keeps finding a way to go wrong.
I found myself hurting, again, over a guy and I cried and couldn't seem to stop. Fear of the future and the unknown just kept getting to me. On top of that, my best friend, very truthfully, pointed out how I had always seemed to be talking about guys and not paying attention to her or her problems.
Bad days are when someone yells at you. Real rough days are when you know they're right and it is all your fault.
My friend got me to thinking about how I have been doing on my dating fast. It seems that I have lost sight of the whole reason behind it. I started this fast so I would bring all of my attention to Him and away from guys. Where has that motivation and focus gone? Where have my thoughts been? Why am I still feeling like a spiritual midget compared to where I used to be?
It all really comes down to trust.
I wish I could wholeheartedly say that I trust God completely and fully, but I know that's not the case. If I were to describe how I feel about my future in one word, the word would be terrified. Absolutely terrified.
Terrified of being alone. Terrified of not making it into my dream law school. Terrified of another transplant and not having my parents' health insurance to cover me. Terrified of losing friends. Terrified of living on my own independently. Terrified of so many things.
Just really terrified.
But that's not at all how it should be. If I have complete trust in the Lord, I should have no worries. I should not feel this pit of discomfort and sadness deep in my heart. But I don't have that complete trust and it's hurting me.
It's funny that I don't, actually. When I was hospitalized and waiting for a new heart, I wasn't worried. I was actually outright joyful. Haha. It is almost INCONCEIVABLE then, that I am so distrusting of the Lord now. Now I know I have been called to serve the Lord through work with victims of rape and sexual assault. I know that. I have been called to it. I knew that I was going to be fine because I knew God still wasn't done with me yet. I knew that God was using me in some way while I was in the hospital to bring others to Him.
But now? It's harder to see what God is leading me to do or who He wants me to touch (if anyone). In the hospital, everything was comfy. I had my boyfriend who was just so gosh darn perfect and we were getting married so I didn't have to worry about anything. I would be taking care of schooling and believed I could make it into any school I wanted. God had a great awesome plan for me and I was so excited for it.
It isn't so comfy anymore. The future is a complete unknown. But that's how it is supposed to be. That's how we learn to put our complete trust in God. The more we plan for our future, the harder it is to hear God telling you how to actually prepare for your future or that He has it under control. I had everything planned. Get married straight out of college, enjoy a summer, head to law school, grab a JD and another Master's degree or PhD (if I make it into Stanford [HAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH OK] a PhD in Sociology, if Loyola, a Master's in Social Work), then practice law until I get pregnant, pop out some kids and adopt 10 more, homeschool until high school, then be a social worker in the mean time to make some extra cash for their college funds. In between, set up a shelter for sex trafficking victims, change legislation in the country on prostitution, and then head off into the sunset with my husband as we travel the world once all our kids are away at school.
That's my plan. God's plan is better. I don't know what it is, but I promise it's better. And if I want His plan, I need to start following Him and completely trusting in Him and His plan.
It is a really difficult thing to do and I'm not the only one that struggles with it. But that's why I started this fast. To focus on God and His plan for me. It's about time I really focused on Him. I need to give Him my all and give Him my trust. When I finally do, I will be able to completely give God my entire life. It will be all His.
I just have to trust Him with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment