Better

"You'll never change you life until you change your choices"

I realize I have been absent for quite a long time.

I have no excuse. The dating fast has ended. I have failed miserably as I am currently dating my ex.

I have stumbled too many times to count. I have fallen and struggled to get up.

I have watched as who I was changed into who I am now sitting at this computer.

It's taken me awhile to get to this point, but I don't like her. This new me.

She was supposed to be new and improved by now. She was supposed to have everything figured out. She was supposed to have the greatest relationship with God possible. She was supposed to have things under control. She was supposed to know she is.

That's not me.

But I am figuring it out.

College is a great time, but it's also the time for you to make a big decision not necessarily who you are, but who you want to be. That is where my greatest struggled lies. Outside of the confines of my comfy home with my comfy youth group and my comfy support system of great sisters of Christ and my comfy free time to read the Bible or BadCatholic or go to adoration, it isn't comfy being a Catholic in college. It's just not. It is really rough. Life slaps you in the face. A lot.

Upon returning to school, I stumbled quickly. I was used to everyone in the hospital and at home relying on me to have my faith and being encouraged by my faith. At school, I don't have that comfort anymore. I can't talk about my opposition to gay marriage or abortion openly. I can't easily grab someone to have a bible reading party on a Saturday night. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but that kind of stuff just isn't their cup of tea.

But I lost a lot of my faith. At first, I missed one mass. One mass became two, then three. Confession became less frequent, those the sins seemed worse. I fell again and again and again until finally I gave up on getting back up again. It was the lowest I think I have ever been. I'm still trying to climb up and out of the darkness. But I see the light and that's the first time I can say that in a long time.

I was reading an article about exercising and, oddly enough, that's the click I needed. I thought about becoming a mom and the responsibility I would have with my kids. Now, I have definitely thought about parenting my kids and how I would do it. But I never really gave a thought to the silent parenting I would be doing. Who a parent is, how he/she acts, and the choices he/she makes influences kids more than encouraging music from a young age. This article talked about how exercising should be viewed as a way to meet people and to be able to do things. I want to be fit so I can run around and do things with my children.

That same desire quickly transferred to my faith.

I thought about my kids and who I would want them to one day be. What I wanted them to believe. The stories of their mom they were going to hear. Do they pray every night? Morning? Every meal? Do they know how to pray a rosary? Do they come to adoration with me? Is bringing them to mass and CCD like pulling teeth? Do they have a faith and hope in God that will strengthen them in all situations? If something happened to me, would they know I am going to be ok? Would my kids ever fear for my soul in such a situation? Would I fear for THEIR souls if they were in such a situation?

And the answer was very clear. The person I want to mother my children is not the young woman I am right now. I can do and be better. God knows who I am and I am a daughter of Christ, beautifully and fearfully and wonderfully made. He knows my heart. He knows my future. Who I am now must be let go. I must decrease and He must increase. I need to let Him take over again.

I read a quote (and I have been trying to find it and simply can't...grrrr) that spoke tons to me. It was basically saying you shouldn't worry about being anyone else, but only being better than the person you were yesterday. I keep writing "Better" on my hand to remind to be a better version of yesterday's Colleen. Better to others. Better to myself. Better to God. Just better. Above all, I need to remember to love everything and everyone in my life better and to give it better love. It's my new mantra and I know I am finally back on the path I need to be on. I am on my way.

God knows my better self. He knows. I want to know her too.

Prayers are appreciated and goodness knows how needed they are. Thanks loves.